The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
I 'ave--what do you say?--touched the spot.
'In what you say,' he has said, more calmly, 'there is certainly
something. It is a good hotel, this of mine!'
The only hotel, I have assured him. The Meurice? _Chut!_ I snap my
fingers. The Ritz? Bah! Once again I snap my fingers. 'In all Paris
there is no hotel like this.'
He 'as simmered down. His shirt is tucked in. 'Tell me again this plan
of yours, Jean.'
When I leave 'im we have come to an understanding. It is agreed between
us that I am to 'ave one last chance. He will not spoil this promising
ship for the 'a'porth of tar. He will give me money for my purpose. But
he has said, as we part, if I fail, his 'ands shall be washed of me. He
cannot now forget that I am his dear brother's child; but if I fail to
accomplish the conquest of the divine Miss Marion, he thinks he will be
able to.
It is well. A week later I follow the 'Endersons to London.
For the next few days, monsieur, I am in Paradise. My 'ost has much
nice 'ouse in Eaton Square. He is rich, popular. There is much society.
And I--I have the _succes fou_. I am young, 'andsome, debonair. I
cannot speak the English very well--not so well as I now speak 'im--but
I manage. I get along. I am intelligent, amiable. Everyone loves me.
No, not everyone. Captain Bassett, he does not love me. And why?
Because he loves the charming Miss Marion, and observes that already I
am succeeding with her like a 'ouse on fire. He is _ami de
famille_. He is captain in your Garde Ecossais, and my 'ost told me
'e has distinguished himself as soldier pretty much. It may be so. As
soldier, per'aps. But at conversation he is not so good. He is quite
nice fellow, you understand--'andsome, yes; distinguished, yes. But he
does not sparkle. He has not my _verve_, my _elan_. I--how do
you say?--I make the rings round him.
But, _Chut_! At that moment I would have made the rings round the
'ole British Army. Yes, and also the Corps Diplomatique. For I am
inspired. Love 'as inspired me. I am conqueror.
But I will not weary you, monsieur, with the details of my wooing. You
are sympathetic, but I must not weary you. Let us say that I 'ave in
four days or five made progress the most remarkable, and proceed to the
tragic end.
Almost could I tell it in four words. In them one would say that it is
set forth. There was in London at that time popular a song, a comic,
vulgar song of the 'Alls, 'The Cat Came Back'. You 'ave 'eard it? Yes?
I 'eard it myself, and without emotion. It had no sinister warning for
me. It did not strike me as omen. Yet, in those four words, monsieur,
is my tragedy.
How? I shall tell you. Every word is a sword twisted in my 'eart, but I
shall tell you.
One afternoon we are at tea. All is well. I am vivacious, gay; Miss
Marion, charming, gracious. There is present also an aunt, Mr
'Enderson's sister; but 'er I do not much notice. It is to Marion I
speak--both with my lips and also with my eyes.
As we sit, Captain Bassett is announced.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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