The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
He paused. I suppose my face must have lost some of its alleged
sympathy as he set forth this fiendish plot. Even Percy the bluebottle
seemed shocked. He had settled on the sugar-bowl, but at these words he
rose in a marked manner and left the table.
'You do not approve?' he said.
I shrugged my shoulders.
'It's no business of mine,' I said. 'But don't you think yourself it
was playing it a bit low down? Didn't the thought present itself to you
in a shadowy way that it was rather rough on the bird?'
'It did, monsieur. But what would you? It is necessary to break eggs in
order to make an omelette. All is fair, you say, in love and war, and
this was both. Moreover, you must understand, I do not dictate his
movements to the parrot. He is free agent. I do but open the cage-door.
Should he 'op out and proceed to the floor where is the cat, that is
his affair. I shall continue, yes?'
* * * * *
_Alors!_ I open the cage-door and disappear discreetly. It is not
politic that I remain to witness what shall transpire. It is for me to
establish an alibi. I go to the drawing-room, where I remain.
At dinner that night Mr 'Enderson has laughed.
'In the 'all this afternoon,' he has said, 'I have seen by chance the
dickens of a funny occurrence. That parrot of yours, Marion, had
escaped once again from its cage and was 'aving an argument with that
cat which Captain Bassett has given to you.'
'Oh! I hope that Alexander 'as not hurt poor Polly, of whom I am very
fond,' she has said.
'The affair did not come to blows,' has said Mr 'Enderson. 'You may
trust that bird to take care of himself, my dear. When I came upon the
scene the cat was crouching in a corner, with his fur bristling and his
back up, while Polly, standing before 'im, was telling 'im not to move
or he would shoot. Nor did he move, till I 'ad seized the parrot and
replaced him in the cage, when he shot upstairs like a streak of
lightning. By sheer force of character that excellent bird 'ad won the
bloodless victory. I drink to 'im!'
You can conceive my emotion as I listen to this tale. I am like the
poet's mice and men whose best-kid schemes have gone away. I am
baffled. I am discouraged. I do not know what I shall do. I must find
another plan, but I do not know what.
How shall I remove the cat? Shall I kill 'im? No, for I might be
suspect.
Shall I 'ire someone to steal 'im? No, for my accomplice might betray
me.
Shall I myself steal 'im? Ah! that is better. That is a very good plan.
Soon I have it perfected, this plan. Listen, monsieur; it is as
follows. It is simple, but it is good. I will await my opportunity. I
will remove the cat secretly from the 'ouse. I will take him to an
office of the District Messenger Boys. I will order a messenger to
carry him at once to the Cats' House, and to request M. le Directeur
immediately to destroy him. It is a simple plan, but it is good.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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