The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
'I am making headway,' he observed. 'The fact that we cannot meet
without your endeavouring to plant a temperamental left jab on my
spiritual solar plexus encourages me to think that you are beginning at
last to understand that we are affinities. To persons of spirit like
ourselves the only happy marriage is that which is based on a firm
foundation of almost incessant quarrelling. The most beautiful line in
English poetry, to my mind, is, "We fell out, my wife and I." You would
be wretched with a husband who didn't like you to quarrel with him. The
position of affairs now is that I have become necessary to you. If I
went out of your life now I should leave an aching void. You would
still have that beautiful punch of yours, and there would be nobody to
exercise it on. You would pine away. From now on matters should, I
think, move rapidly. During the course of the next week I shall
endeavour to propitiate you with gifts. Here is the first of them.'
He took a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it her. It was a
pencil-sketch, rough and unfinished, but wonderfully clever. Even Ruth
could appreciate that--and she was a prejudiced observer, for the
sketch was a caricature of herself. It represented her, drawn up to her
full height, with enormous, scornful eyes and curling lips, and the
artist had managed to combine an excellent likeness while accentuating
everything that was marked in what she knew had come to be her normal
expression of scorn and discontent.
'I didn't know you were an artist, Mr Vince,' she said, handing it
back.
'A poor amateur. Nothing more. You may keep it.'
'I have not the slightest wish to keep it.'
'You haven't?'
'It is not in the least clever, and it is very impertinent of you to
show it to me. The drawing is not funny. It is simply rude.'
'A little more,' said Mr Vince, 'and I shall begin to think you don't
like it. Are you fond of chocolates?'
Ruth did not answer.
'I am sending you some tomorrow.'
'I shall return them.'
'Then I shall send some more, and some fruit. Gifts!' soliloquized Mr
Vince. 'Gifts! That is the secret. Keep sending gifts. If men would
only stick to gifts and quarrelling, there would be fewer bachelors.'
On the morrow, as promised, the chocolates arrived, many pounds of them
in a lordly box. The bludgeoning of fate had not wholly scotched in
Ruth a human weakness for sweets, and it was with a distinct effort
that she wrapped the box up again and returned it to the sender. She
went off to her work at the _mont-de-piete_ with a glow of
satisfaction which comes to those who exhibit an iron will in trying
circumstances.
And at the _mont-de-piete_ there occurred a surprising incident.
Surprising incidents, as Mr Vince would have said, are the zero on the
roulette-board of life. They pop up disturbingly when least expected,
confusing the mind and altering pre-conceived opinions. And this was a
very surprising incident indeed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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