The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
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The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
She did not do this to Margaret, for Margaret, besides being blue-eyed,
was also a shade quick-tempered. Whenever she discussed Archibald, it
was with her son Stuyvesant. Stuyvesant Milsom, who thought Archibald a
bit of an ass, was always ready to sit and listen to his mother on the
subject, it being, however, an understood thing that at the conclusion
of the seance she yielded one or two saffron-coloured bills towards his
racing debts. For Stuyvesant, having developed a habit of backing
horses which either did not start at all or else sat down and thought
in the middle of the race, could always do with ten dollars or so. His
prices for these interviews worked out, as a rule, at about three cents
a word.
In these circumstances it was perhaps natural that Archibald and
Margaret should prefer to meet, when they did meet, at some other spot
than the Milsom home. It suited them both better that they should
arrange a secret tryst on these occasions. Archibald preferred it
because being in the same room as Mrs Milsom always made him feel like
a murderer with particularly large feet; and Margaret preferred it
because, as she told Archibald, these secret meetings lent a touch of
poetry to what might otherwise have been a commonplace engagement.
Archibald thought this charming; but at the same time he could not
conceal from himself the fact that Margaret's passion for the poetic
cut, so to speak, both ways. He admired and loved the loftiness of her
soul, but, on the other hand, it was a tough job having to live up to
it. For Archibald was a very ordinary young man. They had tried to
inoculate him with a love of poetry at school, but it had not taken.
Until he was thirty he had been satisfied to class all poetry (except
that of Mr George Cohan) under the general heading of punk. Then he met
Margaret, and the trouble began. On the day he first met her, at a
picnic, she had looked so soulful, so aloof from this world, that he
had felt instinctively that here was a girl who expected more from a
man than a mere statement that the weather was great. It so chanced
that he knew just one quotation from the classics, to wit, Tennyson's
critique of the Island-Valley of Avilion. He knew this because he had
had the passage to write out one hundred and fifty times at school, on
the occasion of his being caught smoking by one of the faculty who
happened to be a passionate admirer of the 'Idylls of the King'.
A remark of Margaret's that it was a splendid day for a picnic and that
the country looked nice gave him his opportunity.
'It reminds me,' he said, 'it reminds me strongly of the Island-Valley
of Avilion, where falls not hail, or rain, or any snow, nor ever wind
blows loudly; but it lies deep-meadow'd, happy, fair, with orchard
lawns....'
He broke off here to squash a hornet; but Margaret had heard enough.
'Are you fond of the poets, Mr Mealing?' she said, with a far-off look.
'Me?' said Archibald fervently. 'Me? Why, I eat 'em alive!'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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