Handsome and stately, in a short cloth jacket and high boots, Foma
stood, leaning his back against a mast, and stroking his beard with his
trembling hand, admired the daring work of the peasants. The noise about
him called forth in him a persistent desire to shout, to work together
with the peasants, to hew wood, to carry burdens, to command--to compel
everybody to pay attention to him, and to show them his strength, his
skill, and the live soul within him. But he restrained himself.
And standing speechless, motionless, he felt ashamed and afraid of
something. He was embarrassed by the fact that he was master over
everybody there, and that if he were to start to work himself, no one
would believe that he was working merely to satisfy his desire, and not
to spur them on in their work; to set them an example. And then, the
peasants might laugh at him, in all probability.
A fair and curly-headed fellow, with his shirt collar unbuttoned, was
now and again running past him, now carrying a log on his shoulder,
now an axe in his hands; he was skipping along, like a frolicsome goat,
scattering about him cheerful, ringing laughter, jests, violent oaths,
and working unceasingly, now assisting one, now another, as he was
cleverly and quickly running across the deck, which was obstructed with
timber and shavings. Foma watched him closely, and envied this merry
fellow, who was radiant with something healthy and inspiring.
“Evidently he is happy,” thought Foma, and this thought provoked in him
a keen, piercing desire to insult him somehow, to embarrass him. All
those about him were seized with the zest of pressing work, all were
unanimously and hastily fastening the scaffoldings, arranging the
pulleys, preparing to raise the sunken barge from the bottom of the
river; all were sound and merry--they all lived. While he stood alone,
aside from them, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to do anything,
feeling himself superfluous to this great toil. It vexed him to feel
that he was superfluous among men, and the more closely he watched them,
the more intense was this vexation. And he was stung most by the thought
that all this was being done for him. And yet he was out of place there.
“Where is my place, then?” he thought gloomily. “Where is my work? Am I,
then, some deformed being? I have just as much strength as any of them.
But of what use is it to me?” The chains clanged, the pulleys groaned,
the blows of the axes resounded loud over the river, and the barges
rocked from the shocks of the waves, but to Foma it seemed that he was
rocking not because the barge was rocking under his feet, but rather
because he was not able to stand firmly anywhere, he was not destined to
do so.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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