have insisted that her friend should write an apology for her behaviour
to him, should dare the dastard world, and offer to marry him when
he would. But, Florimel putting the question as she did, how should
Clementina imagine anything other than that it referred to Malcolm?
and a strange confusion of feeling was the consequence. Her thoughts
heaved in her like the half-shaped monsters of a spiritual chaos, and
amongst them was one she could not at all identify. A direct answer
she found impossible. She found also that in presence of Florimel, so
much younger than herself, and looking up to her for advice, she dared
not even let the questions now pressing for entrance appear before her
consciousness. She therefore declined giving an answer of any sort--was
not prepared with one, she said; much was to be considered; no two
cases were just alike.
They were summoned to tea, after which she retired to her room, shut
the door, and began to think--an operation which, seldom easy if worth
anything, was in the present case peculiarly difficult, both because
Clementina was not used to it, and the subject-object of it was
herself. I suspect that self-examination is seldom the most profitable,
certainly it is sometimes the most unpleasant, and always the most
difficult of moral actions--that is, to perform after a genuine
fashion. I know that very little of what passes for it has the remotest
claim to reality; and I will not say it has never to be done; but I am
certain that a good deal of the energy spent by some devout and upright
people on trying to understand themselves and their own motives, would
be expended to better purpose, and with far fuller attainment even in
regard to that object itself, in the endeavour to understand God, and
what he would have us to do.
Lady Clementina’s attempt was as honest as she dared make it. It went
something after this fashion:
“How is it possible I should counsel a young creature like that, with
all her gifts and privileges, to marry a groom--to bring the stable
into her chamber? If I did--if she did, has she the strength to hold
her face to it?--Yes, I know how different he is from any other groom
that ever rode behind a lady! but does she understand him? Is she
capable of such a regard for him as could outlast a week of closer
intimacy? At her age it is impossible she should know what she was
doing in daring such a thing. It would be absolute ruin to her. And how
could I advise her to do what I could not do myself?--But then if she’s
in love with him?”
She rose and paced the room--not hurriedly--she never did anything
hurriedly--but yet with unleisurely steps, until, catching sight
of herself in the glass, she turned away as from an intruding and
unwelcome presence, and threw herself on her couch, burying her face
in the pillow. Presently, however, she rose again, her face glowing,
and again walked up and down the room--almost swiftly now. I can but
indicate the course of her thoughts.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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