The habit of self-deceit is as insidious and tenacious as any vice.
For one moment on the night of his great speech, as he leaned out of
Chilcote's carriage and met Chilcote's eyes, Loder had seen himself--and
under the shock of revelation had taken decisive action. But in the
hours subsequent to that action the plausible, inner voice had whispered
unceasingly, soothing his wounded self-esteem, rebuilding stone by stone
the temple of his egotism; until at last when Chilcote, panic-stricken
at his own action, had burst into his rooms ready to plead or to coerce,
he had found no need for either coercion or entreaty. By a power more
subtle and effective than any at his command, Loder had been prepared
for his coming--unconsciously ready with an acquiescence before his
appeal had been made. It was the fruit of this preparation, the
inevitable outcome of it, that strengthened his step and steadied his
hand as he mounted the steps and opened the hall door of Chilcote's
house on that eventful afternoon.
The dignity, the air of quiet solidity, impressed him as it never
failed to do, as he crossed the large hall and ascended the stairs--the
same stairs that he had passed down almost as an outcast not so many
hours before. He was filled with the sense of things regained; belief in
his own star lifted him as it had done a hundred times before in these
same surroundings.
He quickened his steps as the sensation came to him. Then, reaching the
head of the stairs, he turned directly towards Eve's sitting-room, and,
gaining the door, knocked. The strength of his eagerness, the quick
beating of his pulse as he waited for a response, surprised him. He had
told himself many times that his passion, however strong, would never
again conquer as it had done two nights ago--and the fact that he had
come thus candidly to Eve's room was to his mind a proof that temptation
could be dared. Nevertheless there was something disconcerting to a
strong man in this merely physical perturbation; and when Eve's voice
came to him, giving permission to enter, he paused for an instant to
steady himself; then with sudden decision he opened the door and walked
into the room.
The blinds were partly drawn, there was a scent of violets in the air,
and a fire glowed warmly in the grate. He noted these things carefully,
telling himself that a man should always be alertly sensible of his
surroundings; then all at once the nice balancing of detail suddenly
gave way. He forgot everything but the one circumstance that Eve was
standing in the window--her back to the light, her face towards him.
With his pulses beating faster and an unsteady sensation in his brain,
he moved forward holding out his hand.
“Eve--?” he said below his breath.
But Eve remained motionless. As he came into the room she had glanced at
him--a glance of quick, searching question; then with equal suddenness
she had averted her eyes. As he drew close to her now, she remained
immovable.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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