The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova de Seingalt, 1725-1798. Volume 22: to LondonCasanova, Giacomo
History
The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova de Seingalt, 1725-1798. Volume 22: to London
Casanova, Giacomo
Casanova, Giacomo, 1725-1798; Europe -- History -- 18th century -- Biography
"It would have been natural for me to speak to my maid, and still more
natural if I had dismissed her on the spot. I had no courage to do so,
and my weakness will only astonish those rigorous moralists who know
nothing of a young girl's heart, and do not consider my painful position,
passionately in love and with no one but myself to rely on.
"I did not follow at once the severe dictates of duty; afterwards it was
too late, and I easily consoled myself with the thought that I could
pretend not to be aware that the maid was in the secret. I determined to
dissemble, hoping that I should never see the adventurous lover again,
and that thus all would be as if it had never happened.
"This resolve was really the effect of anger, for a fortnight passed by
without my seeing the young man in the theatre, the public walks, or in
any of the public places he used to frequent, and I became sad and
dreamy, feeling all the time ashamed of my own wanton fancies. I longed
to know his name, which I could only learn from my maid, and it was out
of the question for me to ask Oeiras. I hated my maid, and I blushed when
I saw her, imagining that she knew all. I was afraid that she would
suspect my honour, and at another time I feared lest she might think I
did not love him; and this thought nearly drove me mad. As for the young
adventurer I thought him more to be pitied than to be blamed, for I did
not believe that he knew I loved him, and it seemed to me that the idea
of my despising him was enough vengeance for his audacity. But my
thoughts were different when my vanity was stronger than love, for then
despair avenged itself on pride, and I fancied he would think no more of
me, and perhaps had already forgotten me.
"Such a state cannot last long, for if nothing comes to put an end to the
storm which tosses the soul to and fro, it ends at last by making an
effort of itself to sail into the calm waters of peace.
"One day I put on a lace kerchief I had bought from him, and asked my
maid,
"'What has become of the girl who sold me this kerchief?'
"I asked this question without premeditation; it was, as it were, an
inspiration from my 'good or my evil genius.
"As crafty as I was simple, the woman answered that to be sure he had not
dared to come again, fearing that I had found out his disguise.
"'Certainly,' I replied, 'I found it out directly, but I was astonished
to hear that you knew this lace-seller was a young man.'
"'I did not think I should offend you, madam, I know him well.'
"'Who is he?
"'Count d'Al----; you ought to know him, for he paid you a visit about
four months ago.'
"'True, and it is possible that I did not know him, but why did you tell
a lie when I asked you, "Do you know that girl?"'
"'I lied to spare your feelings, madam, and I was afraid you would be
angry at the part I had taken:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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