Returned to his dungeon, the sufferings of Ambrosio’s body were far
more supportable than those of his mind. His dislocated limbs, the
nails torn from his hands and feet, and his fingers mashed and broken
by the pressure of screws, were far surpassed in anguish by the
agitation of his soul and vehemence of his terrors. He saw that, guilty
or innocent, his Judges were bent upon condemning him: The remembrance
of what his denial had already cost him terrified him at the idea of
being again applied to the question, and almost engaged him to confess
his crimes. Then again the consequences of his confession flashed
before him, and rendered him once more irresolute. His death would be
inevitable, and that a death the most dreadful: He had listened to
Matilda’s doom, and doubted not that a similar was reserved for him. He
shuddered at the approaching Auto da Fe, at the idea of perishing in
flames, and only escaping from indurable torments to pass into others
more subtile and ever-lasting! With affright did He bend his mind’s eye
on the space beyond the grave; nor could hide from himself how justly
he ought to dread Heaven’s vengeance. In this Labyrinth of terrors,
fain would He have taken his refuge in the gloom of Atheism: Fain would
He have denied the soul’s immortality; have persuaded himself that when
his eyes once closed, they would never more open, and that the same
moment would annihilate his soul and body. Even this resource was
refused to him. To permit his being blind to the fallacy of this
belief, his knowledge was too extensive, his understanding too solid
and just. He could not help feeling the existence of a God. Those
truths, once his comfort, now presented themselves before him in the
clearest light; But they only served to drive him to distraction. They
destroyed his ill-grounded hopes of escaping punishment; and dispelled
by the irresistible brightness of Truth and convinction, Philosophy’s
deceitful vapours faded away like a dream.
In anguish almost too great for mortal frame to bear, He expected the
time when He was again to be examined. He busied himself in planning
ineffectual schemes for escaping both present and future punishment. Of
the first there was no possibility; Of the second Despair made him
neglect the only means. While Reason forced him to acknowledge a God’s
existence, Conscience made him doubt the infinity of his goodness. He
disbelieved that a Sinner like him could find mercy. He had not been
deceived into error: Ignorance could furnish him with no excuse. He had
seen vice in her true colours; Before He committed his crimes, He had
computed every scruple of their weight; and yet he had committed them.
“Pardon?” He would cry in an access of phrenzy “Oh! there can be none
for me!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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