"Yes," he answered, in the same low, unsteady tone.
Then she pressed his hand, which she had retained, in a tighter clasp.
But she did not continue speaking at once. She felt their feverish
warmth mingling in one.
"You are mistaken," she resumed; "I am not guilty."
She did not say this to convince him, but simply to warn him that she
must be innocent in the eyes of others. It was the avowal of the woman
who says no, desiring it to be no, in spite of all, and always.
"I am not guilty," she added. "You will not continue to pain me by
believing I am guilty?"
And she was very happy to see his eyes gazing deeply into her own.
Without doubt what she had just said, was equivalent to selling herself
to him, for she gave herself away, and later on, if he claimed her, she
could not refuse. But the bond was tied between them, and could not be
severed. She absolutely defied him to speak now. He belonged to her, as
she belonged to him. The avowal had united them.
"You will not cause me any more pain?" she asked. "You believe me?"
"Yes, I believe you," he replied, smiling.
What need was there to force her to talk brutally of this frightful
event? Later on, she would tell him all about it, if she wished to do
so. This way of tranquillising herself by confessing to him, without
saying anything, touched him deeply, as a proof of infinite tenderness.
She was so confiding, so fragile, with her gentle blue eyes. She
appeared to him so womanly, devoted to man, ever ready to submit to him
so as to be happy. And what delighted him above all else, while their
hands remained joined and their eyes never parted, was to find himself
free from his disorder, the frightful shiver that agitated him when
beside a woman. Could he love this one, without killing her?
"You know I am your friend, and that you have naught to fear from me,"
he murmured in her ear. "I do not want to know your business. It shall
be as you please, you understand. Make any use of me you like."
He had approached so close to her face that he felt her warm breath in
his moustache. That morning, even, he would have trembled at such a
thing, in the wild terror of an attack. What could be passing within
him, that he barely felt a thrill, attended by the pleasant lassitude
of convalescence? This idea that she had killed a fellow creature,
which had now become a certainty, made her appear different in his
eyes--greater, a person apart. Perhaps she had not merely assisted, but
had also struck. He felt convinced of it, without the slightest proof.
And, henceforth, she seemed sacred to him, beyond all reasoning.
Both of them now chatted gaily, as a couple just met, with whom love is
commencing.
"You should give me your other hand," said he, "for me to warm it."
"Oh! no, not here," she protested. "We might be seen."
"Who by, as we are alone?" he inquired. "And, besides, there would be
no harm in it," he added.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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