"I know you will think I am being both dishonourable and disloyal," she
wrote, after she had first stated her decision quite clearly and
simply. "But to me it seems I am doing the only thing possible in
loyalty to the man I love. And in a way it is loyal to you, too,
Roger, because--as you have known from the beginning--I could never
give you all that a man has a right to expect from the women he
marries. One can't 'share out' love in bits. I've learned, now, that
love means all or nothing, and as I cannot give you all, it must be
nothing. And of this you may be sure--perhaps it may make you feel
that I have behaved less badly to you--I am not breaking off our
engagement in order to marry someone else. I shall never marry anyone,
now."
Nan read it through, then slipped it into an envelope and sealed it.
When she had directed it to "Roger Trenby, Esq.," she leaned back in
her chair, feeling curiously tired, but conscious of a sense of peace
and tranquillity that had been absent from her since the day on which
she had promised to marry Roger. . . . And the next day, by the
shattered Lovers' Bridge, Peter had carried her in his arms across the
stream and kissed her hair. She had known then, known very surely,
that love had come to her--Peter loved her, and his slightest touch
meant happiness so poignantly sweet as to be almost unbearable. Only
the knowledge had come too late.
But now--now she was free! Though she would never know the supreme joy
of mating with the man she loved, she had at least escaped the prison
which the wrong man's love can make for a woman. Just as no other man
than Peter would ever hold her heart, so henceforth no kiss but his
would ever touch her lips. But for Peter the burden would be heavier.
It would be different--harder. Could she not guess how infinitely
harder? And there was nothing in the world which might avail to
lighten that burden. Only, perhaps, later on, it might comfort him to
know that, though in this world they could never come together, the
woman he loved was his completely, that she had surrendered nothing of
herself to any other man.
She picked up her letter to Roger and made her way downstairs,
intending to drop it herself into the post-box at the gates of Mallow.
Once it had left her hands for the close guardianship of that scarlet
tablet streaked against the roadside wall she would feel more at ease.
As she turned the last bend of the stairs she came upon an agitated
little group of people clustering round Sandy McBain, who had
apparently only recently arrived. Her hand tightened on the banister.
Why had everyone collected in the hall? Even one or two scared-looking
servants were discernible in the background, and on every face sat a
strange, unusual gravity. Nan felt as though someone had suddenly
slipped a band round her heart and were drawing it tighter and tighter.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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