"It's nervousness," he muttered. "It'll pass off."
He gave himself till one o'clock. He tried to convince himself of the
necessity of committing suicide. If he did not, what would become of
him? How would he live? Must he make up his mind to work? Besides, could
he appear in the world, when all Paris knew of his intention? This
thought goaded him to fury; he had a sudden courage, and grasped his
pistols. But the sensation which the touch of the cold steel gave him,
caused him to drop his arm and draw away shuddering.
"I cannot," repeated he, in his anguish. "I cannot!"
The idea of the physical pain of shooting himself filled him with
horror. Why had he not a gentler death? Poison, or perhaps
charcoal--like the little cook? He did not fear the ludicrousness of
this now; all that he feared was, that the courage to kill himself would
fail him.
He went on extending his time of grace from half-hour to half-hour. It
was a horrible night, full of the agony of the last night of the
criminal condemned to the scaffold. He wept with grief and rage and
wrung his hands and prayed. Toward daylight he fell exhausted into an
uneasy slumber, in his arm-chair. He was awakened by three or four heavy
raps on the door, which he hastily opened. It was the waiter, who had
come to take his order for breakfast, and who started back with
amazement on seeing Hector, so disordered was his clothing and so livid
the pallor of his features.
"I want nothing," said the count. "I'm going down."
He had just enough money left to pay his bill, and six sous for the
waiter. He quitted the hotel where he had suffered so much, without end
or aim in view. He was more resolved than ever to die, only he yearned
for several days of respite to nerve himself for the deed. But how could
he live during these days? He had not so much as a centime left. An idea
struck him--the pawnbrokers!
He knew that at the Monte-de-Piete* a certain amount would be advanced
to him on his jewelry. But where find a branch office? He dared not ask,
but hunted for one at hazard. He now held his head up, walked with a
firmer step; he was seeking something, and had a purpose to accomplish.
He at last saw the sign of the Monte-de-Piete on a house in the Rue
Conde, and entered. The hall was small, damp, filthy, and full of
people. But if the place was gloomy, the borrowers seemed to take their
misfortunes good-humoredly. They were mostly students and women, talking
gayly as they waited for their turns. The Count de Tremorel advanced
with his watch, chain, and a brilliant diamond that he had taken from
his finger. He was seized with the timidity of misery, and did not know
how to open his business. A young woman pitied his embarrassment.
[* The public pawnbroker establishment of Paris, which has branch
bureaus through the city.]
"See," said she, "put your articles on this counter, before that window
with green curtains."
A moment after he heard a voice which seemed to proceed from the next
room:
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