And life never before seemed to him so sweet a thing as now. He never
felt so keenly the exuberance of his youth and strength. He suddenly
discovered all about him a crowd of pleasures each more enviable than
the others, which he had never tasted. He who flattered himself that he
had squeezed life to press out its pleasures, had not really lived. He
had had all that is to be bought or sold, nothing of what is given or
achieved. He already not only regretted giving the ten thousand francs
to Jenny, but the two hundred francs to the servants--nay the six sous
given to the waiter at the restaurant, even the money he had spent on
the bunch of violets. The bouquet still hung in his buttonhole, faded
and shrivelled. What good did it do him? While the sous which he had
paid for it--! He did not think of his wasted millions, but could not
drive away the thought of that wasted franc!
True, he might, if he chose, find plenty of money still, and easily. He
had only to return quietly to his house, to discharge the bailiffs, and
to resume the possession of his remaining effects. But he would thus
confront the world, and confess his terrors to have overcome him at the
last moment; he would have to suffer glances more cruel than the
pistol-ball. The world must not be deceived; when a man announces that
he is going to kill himself--he must kill himself.
So Hector was going to die because he had said he would, because the
newspapers had announced the fact. He confessed this to himself as he
went along, and bitterly reproached himself.
He remembered a pretty spot in Viroflay forest, where he had once fought
a duel; he would commit the deed there. He hastened toward it. The
weather was fine and he met many groups of young people going into the
country for a good time. Workmen were drinking and clinking their
glasses under the trees along the river-bank. All seemed happy and
contented, and their gayety seemed to insult Hector's wretchedness. He
left the main road at the Sevres bridge, and descending the embankment
reached the borders of the Seine. Kneeling down, he took up some water
in the palm of his hand, and drank--an invincible lassitude crept over
him. He sat, or rather fell, upon the sward. The fever of despair came,
and death now seemed to him a refuge, which he could almost welcome with
joy. Some feet above him the windows of a Sevres restaurant opened
toward the river. He could be seen from there, as well as from the
bridge; but he did not mind this, nor anything else.
"As well here, as elsewhere," he said to himself.
He had just drawn his pistol out, when he heard someone call:
"Hector! Hector!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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