“But why are you so miserable, dearest?” said the old dancer gently,
amiable and pink, and sitting straight in her seat for fear of
disarranging her hair, which was even more carefully dressed than usual.
“Haven’t you everything to make you happy?” And for the hundredth time
she enumerated in her tranquil voice the reasons for her happiness: her
glory, her genius, her beauty, all the men at her feet, the handsomest,
the greatest--oh! yes, the very greatest, as this very day--But a
terrible howl, like the heart-rending cry of the jackal exasperated by
the monotony of his desert, suddenly made all the studio windows shake,
and frightened the old and startled little chrysalis back into her
cocoon.
A week ago, Felicia’s group was finished and sent to the exhibition,
leaving her in a state of nervous prostration, moral sickness, and
distressful exasperation. It needs all the tireless patience of the
fairy, all the magic of her memories constantly evoked, to make life
supportable beside this restlessness, this wicked anger, which growls
beneath the girl’s long silences and suddenly bursts out in a bitter
word or in an “Ugh!” of disgust at everything. All the critics are
asses. The public? An immense goitre with three rows of chains. And yet,
the other Sunday, when the Duc de Mora came with the superintendent of
the art section to see her exhibits in the studio, she was so happy, so
proud of the praise they gave her, so fully delighted with her own work,
which she admired from the outside, as though the work of some one else,
now that her tools no longer created between her and her work that bond
which makes impartial judgment so hard for the artist.
But it is like this every year. The studio stripped of her recent work,
her glorious name once again thrown to the unexpected caprice of the
public, Felicia’s thoughts, now without a visible object, stray in the
emptiness of her heart and in the hollowness of her life--that of the
woman who leaves the quiet groove--until she be engrossed in some new
work. She shuts herself up and will see no one, as though she mistrusted
herself. Jenkins is the only person who can help her during these
attacks. He seems even to court them, as though he expected something
therefrom. She is not pleasant with him, all the same, goodness knows.
Yesterday, even, he stayed for hours beside this wearied beauty without
her speaking to him once. If that be the welcome she is keeping for the
great personage who is doing them the honour of dining with them--Here
the good Crenmitz, who is quietly turning over all these thoughts as she
gazes at the bows on the pointed toes of her slippers, remembers that
she has promised to make a dish of Viennese cakes for the dinner of the
personage in question, and goes out of the studio, silently, on the tips
of her little feet.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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