He did not answer this. "It's cold in here. Mother shouldn't have let
the fire die down." He walked over to the grate and with his fingers
laid some lumps out of the scuttle upon the hot coals. "Keep that shawl
around you, Winnie. Hadn't I better call Mother and tell her to help you
to get to bed?"
He came back to her. She did not speak to him. Tears rolled from her
open eyes and left wet smears along her lifted face.
"All worn out, eh?" He touched her hair uncomfortably. "I'll call
Mother. She always knows what to do for you. I don't."
She clung to his hand. "You don't hate me because I'm like this, do you,
Laurie?"
"Don't be foolish, Winnie, child. You're worn out or you wouldn't talk
this way." He put her gently from him. "I'm going to call Mother."
She began to sob. "You want to go! I don't want you to touch me if you
hate me!"
Smiling wearily, he looked at her. It was a kind of relief to him to be
unable to defend himself. "Since I make you cry, I think I'd better go,
Winnie."
"Oh," she sobbed, "you make me cry by not wanting me! You hurt me so.
You're so cruel!"
Still he stood helpless, not touching her. "For your own sake, you must
stop, Winnie."
"If--if you call Mamma Farley in here now I'll--I'll kill myself!"
"No, you won't, Winnie." His voice shook. "But if you don't want me to
call her, I won't."
Winnie became a little calmer. Then she said, more soberly, "You neglect
and despise me."
"I don't, Winnie."
"You do!" She sat up quickly. Her eyes insisted on his reply.
"Do you believe that? Does my life really indicate that to you?"
Her little face was hard. "You do things for me," she contended, "but
it's not because you love me!"
His smile faltered. He shrugged wearily. "It would be hopeless for me to
attempt to justify myself, Winnie, but for the sake of your health and
your baby" (he looked at her straightforwardly) "we must try to overcome
this continual bickering."
She looked steadily with her dissolving gaze against his unpenetrated
eyes. "Oh, I wish my children didn't belong to you!" she said suddenly.
He glanced away from her. "If I thought you and the children could do
without me I might agree to resign my parental rights," he said with a
slight sneer.
She pressed her hands together, regarding him in silence. Finally she
said, "Oh, I know you'd be glad to!" She was crying soundlessly.
He does not love me.
She felt sorry for herself. She felt the slightness of her body and the
fragileness of her bones. She was new and real to herself in her
illusion of smallness that made it easier for her to relinquish her
pride.
She turned her face from him and lay back on the pillow again.
Voluptuously, she was conscious of her weakness. With infinite and
exquisite contempt, she loved herself.
"Laurie?" Her fingers picked the cover. She did not look at them, but
she knew them, little and thin, and remembered how small they were when
he held them in his clumsiness. "Won't you kiss me, Laurie?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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