"Who made me a manikin?" he demanded, with womanish fury, a fury that
had been striving for utterance these many years. "I had ambitions and
hopes and ability once--not much, perhaps, but enough--before you
married me. I was nothing great, but I was getting along. I had
confidence, too, but you took it away from me. You--you absorbed me.
You had your father's brain, and it was too big for me; it overshadowed
mine. In a way you were a vampire; for what I had you drained me of. At
first it was terrible to feel that I was inferior, but I loved you, and
although I had some pride--" He choked an instant and threw back her
incredulous stare defiantly. "I let myself be eliminated. You thought
you were doing me a favor when you put me forward as a figurehead, but
to me it was a tragedy. I COULDN'T HELP LETTING YOU DO IT. Do you
realize what that means to a fellow? I quit fighting for my own
individuality, I became colored by you, I took on your ways, your
habits, your mental traits, and--all the time I knew what was
happening. God! How I struggled to remain Stephen Cortlandt, but it
would have taken a BIG man to mould you to his ways, and I was only
average. I began to do your work in your particular style; I forgot my
ambitions and my dreams and took up yours. That's what I fell to, and
all the time I KNEW it, and--and all the time I knew you neither cared
nor understood. My only consolation was the thought that even though
you never had loved me and never could, you at least respected our
relation. I clung to that miserably, for it was all I had left, all
that made me seem like a man. And yet you took away even that. I tried
to rebel, but I had been drugged too long. You saw Anthony, and he had
the things I lack; you found you were not a machine, but a living
woman. He discovered the secret I had wasted away in searching for, and
you rewarded him. Oh, I saw the change in you quickly enough, and if
I'd been a man instead of what I was, I'd have--but I wasn't. I went
spying around like a woman, hating myself for permitting it to go on,
but lacking strength to stop it. But to-night, when he got up before
those other men and dangled my shame before my eyes, I had enough
manhood left in me to strike back. Thank God for that at least! Maybe
it's not too late yet; maybe if I get away from you and try--" His
voice died out weakly; in his face there was a miserable half-gleam of
hope.
"I never knew you felt like that. I never knew you COULD feel that
way," she said, in a colorless voice. "But you made a terrible mistake."
"Do you mean to say you don't love him?"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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