It took her only a half-hour to pack. Her wardrobe was simple and her
speed in keeping with that of people who have simple wardrobes was
heightened by a delirious excitement. She was going, going! She did
not want to wait another day, another hour. In America all would be
right--fortune and new friends; another Helen Ribot. The determination
and courage which had faced Phil's wound and helped to bring him back
to life had not allowed her to think of him, except that she must say
good-bye to him. She was galvanised by her own will, compelling a
philosophy which should let nothing interfere with its light-hearted
measure as she entered the ward.
There he was, sitting in his chair as she had seen him for many weeks.
An end of all writing of messages; of the hand-clasps of good-morning
and good-night; of a texture of existence woven into his--but "Stop!"
said will. The thing was over! Hurry down the curtain! Avoid
melodramatic anti-climaxes! How glad she was that he had thought of
her as visiting him rarely and as more interested in her drawings than
in him! And she was more interested in them than in any man that ever
was or would be! There was no joy, no career for her except to make
white paper live with her touch. Now she knew herself. That letter
had closed all doors behind her and opened doors into another
existence. She had wrought herself into a state of mind which enabled
her to take his hand in the accustomed way, with no more thrill than if
it were any one else's. She was proud of the firmness as she wrote:
"It is Helen. I'm in great luck. My exhibition in New York is a
success and I am going to America immediately. I came to say good-bye."
"Helen!"
He had not waited to write the word. It came out quite clearly. He
was drawing her nearer to him with his hand-clasp, as he had before.
Now he would be touching her hair as he had before; but instead, his
other hand, groping, had caught her arm. She was in a vise, dazed.
Then all that she had reasoned out of herself came surging back in
consuming possession of her. Oh, God, why would he do that! What did
he mean? It could not be--no, it could not be! She tried to draw
away, but the effort was only a quiver.
"I can write better. My pad, please," he murmured.
It seemed very heavy and then very light to her as she brought it,
tremblingly, wonderingly. A peal of bells was ringing soft notes in
her ears and her brain was numb. She watched each letter as it was
written, tracing out her fate. For she had admitted the thing to her
heart, now. She could never put it out.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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