"'Gheewhillikins!' says he, at last, 'I shan't stand this here much longer, if there _is_ company in the parlor!' "We all looked at him, and says one feller: "'I guess, Major, you're took putty bad.' "Zeb gave his phizog another twist, an' says he: "'You'd better believe it, squire. I've got corns on them ere feet of mine that'd make a preacher swear, and them butes pinch like all tarnation.' "I see right off how the smoke was blowin', and says I: "'Off with 'em, Zeb! We're all in the family, and won't mind you.' "That was all the old he-one was waitin' fur; and as quick as I said it, he had one of that modest gal's feet in his hand, and twisted off the bute in a twinklin'!! We all see a perfect Wenus of a foot, and a golfired ankle, and then it was jerked away quicker'n a flash, and the critter screamed like a rantankerous tom-cat with his tail under a cheese-knife! "'Murder!--you nasty thing,' says she, 'give me my bute.' "With that, me, and Zeb, and the hull bilin' of us roared right out; and says Zeb, says he, as he handed her the bute with a killin' bow--says he: "'Young woman, I guess I've taken your modesty, as the wimmen call it, down a peg. You sed them was _my_ butes, and in course I had a right to shed 'em; but ef they're your'n now, why keep 'em to yourself, for massy's sake!' "That settled the gal down some, I tell ye; and it give her such a turn that her putty face was like a rose when we stopt at the Red Tavern." We were so much pleased with this story, my boy, that we entreated the opponent of mock modesty to spin us another. "Well, feller citizens," says he, "I don't mind if I do tell ye about "A JOFIRED WAGON-TRADE "I onct made down in Texas. You see I was doin' a right smart chance of trade down in that deestrict with clocks, fur caps, Ingin meal, and other necessaries of life; and onct in a while I went it blind on a spekullation, when there was a chance to get a bargain, and pay fifty per cent. on a stiff swindle. They was an old chap of a half breed they called Uncle Johnny, down there, and somehow he got wind of my pertikler cuteness, and he guessed he could run a pretty sharp saw on me, if he only got a sight. "I heerd he was after me, and thinks I 'you'll get a roastin', my boy, ef you pick up this hot-chestnut;' but I was consated beyond my powers then, and he was jist one huckleberry above my tallest persimmon. We cum together one night at Bill Crown's tavern, and the fust thing the old cuss said was: "'Jerewsalem crickets! I'm like a fellow jist out of a feather bed and no mistake. I tell ye that 'ere wagging uv mine rides jist about as slick as a railroad of grease, and if it warn't so allfired big, I wouldn't sell it for its weight in Orleans bank notes.'