The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration from Italy to
this country of a hand-organ that was banished for playing
revolutionary tunes some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores
proceeded immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions for the
coming fall and winter seasons. Upon the breaking out of the war he
enlisted three volunteers under his banner from the chorus of the
Academy of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation of Accomac
that he attempted to put his first revolutionary scheme into operation.
Then, indeed, he armed his three divisions with three George Law
muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering Accomac, he issued
the following:
PROCLAMATION.
Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, a pleasant morning,
and the crops look well. Accomackians, arise! For years you have been
the terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The accommodations
you offer, taken into consideration with the prices you charge, are
sufficient to appal the world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram,
and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no active part. Now!
Right away! Hey?
GRIMALDI.
As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my boy, and wishes nothing
done to disturb the neighborhood, he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's
movement ill advised, and issued the following responsive
PROCLAMATION.
S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped and disciplined
troops, calls the Accomackians to arms. This is scarcely the time for
such a call, and the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the
enterprise proposed. Some disaster might occur should an army of three
equipped and disciplined troops attack a force of twenty thousand,
under Stonewall Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac
rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.
UNION L. LAMENT.
These proceedings caused great excitement down at Paris and London, my
boy, and the excellent and independent journals of those places
proceeded at once to publish several yards of profound editorial on the
probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence of S.
Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.
"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris _Pitcher_, "appears on
the verge of terrible upheavings, and the army of S. Grimaldi seems
destined to work an entire change in the economy of the creation, and
oblige the North and South Poles to change places permanently."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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