The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 2
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service, to whom the eyes
of the whole world are now directed, was born of one of his parents at
an early period of his existence, and has since incurred the years
temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present auspicious
occasion. The subject of our brief biography entered the navy when he
was only fifty years old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated
squadron on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for success in
fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels running the
blockade. At one time, indeed, he came very near capturing a
Confederate ram, being only prevented by failing to find the key of the
box containing his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily foe.
Commodore Head's conversation concerning the speedy capture of
Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah and Mobile, is instructive to all
minds, and his promotion is an event calculated to prove that the war
is about to begin in earnest.
* * * * *
Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution; and their
creation must serve to convince besotted Europe, that in making a naval
distinction between rank and file, our discriminating Government knows
how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank upon an old file.
It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed, the Gothic Pegasus,
renewed his usual weekly journey to desolated Accomac, cheerfully
conveying me thither at a speed that did not keep the same roadside
house in view more than half an hour at a time. Having hitched the
funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's recent Faneuil Hall
speech, believing that document sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave
him a discarded straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled into the
Mackerel camp.
To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said, my boy, I found
the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing toward deep suffering at a
rate which made me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within sight
of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly supplied with three days'
rations at a time, these neglected martyrs incur all the perils of
suffocation and cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but
eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight being used
to pelt each other with. Then for two whole days these gallant men who
are fighting our battles find famine staring them in the face, and I
actually heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a whole week's pay
to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate cracker which he had picked
up in a field, wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home
as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful Republic
feeds its faithful soldiers. I even found many Mackerels without
knapsacks and blankets, which they had lost in adventures at "Old
Sledge"; and there was that in the countenances of others which sured
me that their poor faces had not been washed since the commencement of
the war!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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