The Physiology of Marriage, CompleteBalzac, Honoré de
General
The Physiology of Marriage, Complete
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
Jean-Jacques, through the instrumentality of his enchanting Julie, must
have proved to your wife that it was infinitely becoming to refrain from
affronting her delicate stomach and her refined palate by making chyle
out of coarse lumps of beef, and enormous collops of mutton. Is there
anything purer in the world than those interesting vegetables, always
fresh and scentless, those tinted fruits, that coffee, that fragrant
chocolate, those oranges, the golden apples of Atalanta, the dates of
Arabia and the biscuits of Brussels, a wholesome and elegant food which
produces satisfactory results, at the same time that it imparts to a
woman an air of mysterious originality? By the regimen which she chooses
she becomes quite celebrated in her immediate circle, just as she would
be by a singular toilet, a benevolent action or a _bon mot_. Pythagoras
must needs have cast his spell over her, and become as much petted by
her as a poodle or an ape.
Never commit the imprudence of certain men who, for the sake of putting
on the appearance of wit, controvert the feminine dictum, _that the
figure is preserved by meagre diet_. Women on such a diet never grow
fat, that is clear and positive; do you stick to that.
Praise the skill with which some women, renowned for their beauty, have
been able to preserve it by bathing themselves in milk, several times
a day, or in water compounded of substances likely to render the skin
softer and to lower the nervous tension.
Advise her above all things to refrain from washing herself in cold
water; because water warm or tepid is the proper thing for all kinds of
ablutions.
Let Broussais be your idol. At the least indisposition of your wife, and
on the slightest pretext, order the application of leeches; do not even
shrink from applying from time to time a few dozen on yourself, in order
to establish the system of that celebrated doctor in your household. You
will constantly be called upon from your position as husband to discover
that your wife is too ruddy; try even sometimes to bring the blood to
her head, in order to have the right to introduce into the house at
certain intervals a squad of leeches.
Your wife ought to drink water, lightly tinged with a Burgundy wine
agreeable to her taste, but destitute of any tonic properties; every
other kind of wine would be bad for her. Never allow her to drink water
alone; if you do, you are lost.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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