The Physiology of Marriage, CompleteBalzac, Honoré de
General
The Physiology of Marriage, Complete
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
One evening the husband, moved by the desire to confide in his loving
helpmeet all his troubles, informed her that their whole fortune was
lost. They would have to give up their carriage, their box at the
theatre, balls, parties, even Paris itself; perhaps, by living on their
estate in the country a year or two, they might retrieve all! Appealing
to the imagination of his wife, he told her how he pitied her for her
attachment to a man who was indeed deeply in love with her, but was now
without fortune; he tore his hair, and his wife was compelled in honor
to be deeply moved; then in this first excitement of their conjugal
disturbance he took her off to his estate. Then followed scarifications,
mustard plaster upon mustard plaster, and the tails of fresh dogs were
cut: he caused a Gothic wing to be built to the chateau; madame
altered the park ten time over in order to have fountains and lakes
and variations in the grounds; finally, the husband in the midst of her
labors did not forget his own, which consisted in providing her with
interesting reading, and launching upon her delicate attentions, etc.
Notice, he never informed his wife of the trick he had played on her;
and if his fortune was recuperated, it was directly after the
building of the wing, and the expenditure of enormous sums in making
water-courses; but he assured her that the lake provided a water-power
by which mills might be run, etc.
Now, there was a conjugal blister well conceived, for this husband
neither neglected to rear his family nor to invite to his house
neighbors who were tiresome, stupid or old; and if he spent the winter
in Paris, he flung his wife into the vortex of balls and races, so that
she had not a minute to give to lovers, who are usually the fruit of a
vacant life.
Journeys to Italy, Switzerland or Greece, sudden complaints which
require a visit to the waters, and the most distant waters, are pretty
good blisters. In fact, a man of sense should know how to manufacture a
thousand of them.
Let us continue our examination of such personal methods.
And here we would have you observe that we are reasoning upon a
hypothesis, without which this book will be unintelligible to you;
namely, we suppose that your honeymoon has lasted for a respectable time
and that the lady that you married was not a widow, but a maid; on the
opposite supposition, it is at least in accordance with French manners
to think that your wife married you merely for the purpose of becoming
inconsistent.
From the moment when the struggle between virtue and inconsistency
begins in your home, the whole question rests upon the constant and
involuntary comparison which your wife is instituting between you and
her lover.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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