The Physiology of Marriage, CompleteBalzac, Honoré de
General
The Physiology of Marriage, Complete
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
“Ought we not to feel more interest in the improvement of the human race
than in that of horses? Gentlemen, I passed through a little town of
Orleanais where the whole population consisted of hunchbacks, of glum
and gloomy people, veritable children of sorrow, and the remark of the
former speaker caused me to recollect that all the beds were in a very
bad condition and the bedchambers presented nothing to the eyes of the
married couple but what was hideous and revolting. Ah! gentlemen, how is
it possible that our minds should be in an ideal state, when instead of
the music of angels flying here and there in the bosom of that heaven
to which we have attained, our ears are assailed by the most detestable,
the most angry, the most piercing of human cries and lamentations? We
are perhaps indebted for the fine geniuses who have honored humanity to
beds which are solidly constructed; and the turbulent population which
caused the French Revolution were conceived perhaps upon a multitude of
tottering couches, with twisted and unstable legs; while the Orientals,
who are such a beautiful race, have a unique method of making their
beds. I vote for the adjournment.”
And the gentleman sat down.
A man belonging to the sect of Methodists arose. “Why should we change
the subject of debate? We are not dealing here with the improvement of
the race nor with the perfecting of the work. We must not lose sight of
the interests of the jealous husband and the principles on which moral
soundness is based. Don’t you know that the noise of which you complain
seems more terrible to the wife uncertain of her crime, than the trumpet
of the Last Judgment? Can you forget that a suit for infidelity could
never be won by a husband excepting through this conjugal noise? I will
undertake, gentlemen, to refer to the divorces of Lord Abergavenny, of
Viscount Bolingbroke, of the late Queen Caroline, of Eliza Draper, of
Madame Harris, in fact, of all those who are mentioned in the twenty
volumes published by--.” (The secretary did not distinctly hear the name
of the English publisher.)
The motion to adjourn was carried. The youngest member proposed to make
up a purse for the author producing the best dissertation addressed to
the society upon a subject which Sterne considered of such importance;
but at the end of the seance eighteen shillings was the total sum found
in the hat of the president.
The above debate of the society, which had recently been formed in
London for the improvement of manners and of marriage and which Lord
Byron scoffed at, was transmitted to us by the kindness of W. Hawkins,
Esq., cousin-german of the famous Captain Clutterbuck. The extract may
serve to solve any difficulties which may occur in the theory of bed
construction.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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