The Physiology of Marriage, CompleteBalzac, Honoré de
General
The Physiology of Marriage, Complete
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
“My young friend”--he did me the honor to address me, for it was I who
made the last remark in this discussion--“your reflections make me think
of a certain evening, in the course of which one of my friends conducted
himself in such a manner as to lose forever the respect of his
wife. Now, in those days a woman could take vengeance with marvelous
facility--for it was always a word and a blow. The married couple I
speak of were particular in sleeping on separate beds, with their head
under the arch of the same alcove. They came home one night from a
brilliant ball given by the Comte de Mercy, ambassador of the emperor.
The husband had lost a considerable sum at play, so he was completely
absorbed in thought. He had to pay a debt, the next day, of six thousand
crowns!--and you will recollect, Noce, that a hundred crowns couldn’t be
made up from scraping together the resources of ten such musketeers.
The young woman, as generally happens under such circumstances, was in
a gale of high spirits. ‘Give to the marquis,’ she said to a _valet de
chambre_, ‘all that he requires for his toilet.’ In those days people
dressed for the night. These extraordinary words did not rouse the
husband from his mood of abstraction, and then madame, assisted by her
maid, began to indulge in a thousand coquetries. ‘Was my appearance to
your taste this evening?’ ‘You are always to my taste,’ answered the
marquis, continuing to stride up and down the room. ‘You are very
gloomy! Come and talk to me, you frowning lover,’ said she, placing
herself before him in the most seductive negligee. But you can have no
idea of the enchantments of the marchioness unless you had known her.
Ah! you have seen her, Noce!” he said with a mocking smile. “Finally, in
spite of all her allurements and beauty, the marchioness was lost sight
of amid thoughts of the six thousand crowns which this fool of a husband
could not get out of his head, and she went to bed all alone. But women
always have one resource left; so that the moment that the good husband
made as though he would get into his bed, the marchioness cried, ‘Oh,
how cold I am!’ ‘So am I,’ he replied. ‘How is it that the servants have
not warmed our beds?’--And then I rang.”
The Comte de Noce could not help laughing, and the old marquis, quite
put out of countenance, stopped short.
Not to divine the desire of a wife, to snore while she lies awake, to
be in Siberia when she is in the tropics, these are the slighter
disadvantages of twin beds. What risks will not a passionate woman run
when she becomes aware that her husband is a heavy sleeper?
I am indebted to Beyle for an Italian anecdote, to which his dry and
sarcastic manner lent an infinite charm, as he told me this tale of
feminine hardihood.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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