I know there are some (that would fain be thought wise) Who say my Gazette is the record of lies; In answer to this, I shall only reply-- All the choice that I had was to starve or to lie. My fiddles, my flutes, French horns and guittars[A] I leave to our heroes now weary of wars-- To the wars of the stage they more boldly advance, The captains shall play and the soldiers shall dance.[B] [A] The articles of bequest in this poem were incessantly advertised in the Royal Gazette, and puffed off with a dexterity peculiar to the editor of that paper.--_Freneau's note in ed. of 1809._ [B] It became fashionable at this period with the British officers to assume the business of the Drama, to the no small mortification of those who had been holding them up as the undoubted conquerors of North America.--_Ib._ To Sir Henry Clinton, his use and behoof, I leave my French brandy of very high proof; It will give him fresh spirits for battle and slaughter And make him feel bolder by land and by water: Yet I caution the knight, for fear he do wrong, 'Tis _avant la viande et apres le poisson_[C] It will strengthen his stomach, prevent it from turning, And digest the affront of his effigy burning. [C] Before flesh and after fish.--_See the Royal Gazette.--Ib._ To Baron Knyphausen,[133] his heirs and assigns, I bequeath my old hock, and my Burgundy wines, To a true Hessian drunkard no liquors are sweeter, And I know the old man is no foe to the creature. To a general, my namesake,[D] I give and dispose Of a purse full of clipp'd, light, sweated half joes; I hereby desire him to take back his trash, And return me my Hannay's infallible Wash.[E] [D] General James Robertson.--_Ib._ [E] Used in the venereal disease.--_Ib._ My chessmen and tables, and other such chattels I give to Cornwallis renowned in battles: By moving of these (not tracing the map) He'll explain to the king how he got in the trap. To good David Mathews[135] (among other slops) I give my whole cargo of Maredant's drops, If they cannot do all, they may cure him in part, And scatter the poison that cankers his heart: Provided, however, and nevertheless, That what other estate I enjoy and possess At the time of my death (if it be not then sold) Shall remain to the Tories to have and to hold. As I thus have bequeath'd them both carcase and fleece, The least they can do is to wait my decease; But to give them what substance I have, ere I die, And be eat up with vermin, while living--not I-- In Witness whereof (though no ailment I feel) Hereunto I set both my hand and my seal; (As the law says) in presence of witnesses twain, 'Squire _John Coghill Knap_,[F] and brother _Hugh Gaine_.