He reached it during the strike of a great part of the workmen; so that,
though he found some difficulty in procuring employment, as might be
expected from his ignorance of machine-labour, he yet was sooner
successful than he would otherwise have been. Possessed of a natural
aptitude for mechanical operations, he soon became a tolerable workman;
and he found that his previous education assisted to the fitting
execution of those operations even which were most purely mechanical.
He found also, at first, that the unrelaxing attention requisite for the
mastering of the many niceties of his work, of necessity drew his mind
somewhat from its brooding over his misfortune, hitherto almost
ceaseless. Every now and then, however, a pang would shoot suddenly to
his heart, and turn his face pale, even before his consciousness had
time to inquire what was the matter. So by degrees, as attention became
less necessary, and the nervo-mechanical action of his system increased
with use, his thoughts again returned to their old misery. He would wake
at night in his poor room, with the feeling that a ghostly nightmare sat
on his soul; that a want--a loss--miserable, fearful--was present; that
something of his heart was gone from him; and through the darkness he
would hear the snap of the breaking sword, and lie for a moment
overwhelmed beneath the assurance of the incredible fact. Could it be
true that _he_ was a coward? that _his_ honour was gone, and in its
place a stain? that _he_ was a thing for men--and worse, for women--to
point the finger at, laughing bitter laughter? Never lover or husband
could have mourned with the same desolation over the departure of the
loved; the girl alone, weeping scorching tears over _her_ degradation,
could resemble him in his agony, as he lay on his bed, and wept and
moaned.
His sufferings had returned with the greater weight, that he was no
longer upheld by the “divine air” and the open heavens, whose sunlight
now only reached him late in an afternoon, as he stood at his loom,
through windows so coated with dust that they looked like frosted glass;
showing, as it passed through the air to fall on the dirty floor, how
the breath of life was thick with dust of iron and wood, and films of
cotton; amidst which his senses were now too much dulled by custom to
detect the exhalations from greasy wheels and overtasked human-kind. Nor
could he find comfort in the society of his fellow-labourers. True, it
was a kind of comfort to have those near him who could not know of his
grief; but there was so little in common between them, that any
interchange of thought was impossible. At least, so it seemed to him.
Yet sometimes his longing for human companionship would drive him out
of his dreary room at night, and send him wandering through the lower
part of the town, where he would gaze wistfully on the miserable faces
that passed him, as if looking for some one--some angel, even there--to
speak goodwill to his hungry heart.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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