"I agree, I agree; be as free as you like if you don't change your mind." Pyotr Stepanovitch sat down again with a satisfied air. "You are angry over a word. You've become very irritable of late; that's why I've avoided coming to see you. I was quite sure, though, you would be loyal." "I dislike you very much, but you can be perfectly sure--though I don't regard it as loyalty and disloyalty." "But do you know" (Pyotr Stepanovitch was startled again) "we must talk things over thoroughly again so as not to get in a muddle. The business needs accuracy, and you keep giving me such shocks. Will you let me speak?" "Speak," snapped Kirillov, looking away. "You made up your mind long ago to take your life... I mean, you had the idea in your mind. Is that the right expression? Is there any mistake about that?" "I have the same idea still." "Excellent. Take note that no one has forced it on you." "Rather not; what nonsense you talk." "I dare say I express it very stupidly. Of course, it would be very stupid to force anybody to it. I'll go on. You were a member of the society before its organisation was changed, and confessed it to one of the members." "I didn't confess it, I simply said so." "Quite so. And it would be absurd to confess such a thing. What a confession! You simply said so. Excellent." "No, it's not excellent, for you are being tedious. I am not obliged to give you any account of myself and you can't understand my ideas. I want to put an end to my life, because that's my idea, because I don't want to be afraid of death, because... because there's no need for you to know. What do you want? Would you like tea? It's cold. Let me get you another glass." Pyotr Stepanovitch actually had taken up the teapot and was looking for an empty glass. Kirillov went to the cupboard and brought a clean glass. "I've just had lunch at Karmazinov's," observed his visitor, "then I listened to him talking, and perspired and got into a sweat again running here. I am fearfully thirsty." "Drink. Cold tea is good." Kirillov sat down on his chair again and again fixed his eyes on the farthest corner. "The idea had arisen in the society," he went on in the same voice, "that I might be of use if I killed myself, and that when you get up some bit of mischief here, and they are looking for the guilty, I might suddenly shoot myself and leave a letter saying I did it all, so that you might escape suspicion for another year." "For a few days, anyway; one day is precious." "Good. So for that reason they asked me, if I would, to wait. I said I'd wait till the society fixed the day, because it makes no difference to me." "Yes, but remember that you bound yourself not to make up your last letter without me and that in Russia you would be at my... well, at my disposition, that is for that purpose only. I need hardly say, in everything else, of course, you are free," Pyotr Stepanovitch added almost amiably.