The silence made her feel lonely, eerily lonely, like a sensitive child
lost in a wood. She remembered how she had started awake at night
sometimes, terrified by this horror of loneliness, and crying out
“Mother, mother!” It was absurd that the grown woman should feel like
the child, and yet she found herself hungering for that little placid
figure with its boring commonplaces and amiable soft face. What a prig
she had been! She had let that spirit of superiority grow in her,
forgetting that the hands that were always knitting those foolish
woollen superfluities had held and comforted her as a child. Now, in the
white heat of an emotional ordeal, she missed the nearness of that
commonplace affection. What a mistake it was to be too clever; for when
the heart ached, one’s cleverness stood by like a dreary pedagogue,
helpless and dumb.
The stillness! She wished those dim stars would send down astral rain,
and patter on this roof of silence. The sound of dripping water would be
welcome. Yes, and those Latimer fountains, were they still murmuring
under the cypresses, or did not the spirit of sage economy turn off the
water-cocks and shut down the sluices? Life! It, too, was so often a
shutting down of sluices. The deep waters had to be tamed, dammed back,
kept from pouring forth as they desired. Modern conventional life was
like a canal with its system of locks. There were no rapids, no
freshets, no impetuous cataracts. You went up, steadily, respectably,
lock by lock; you came down steadily, and perhaps just as respectably.
In between was the gliding monotony of the long stretches between
artificial banks, with either a religious tow-rope or a puffing
philosopher to draw you.
She suffered on account of the stillness and this atmosphere of
isolation, and yet the nearness of some very human incident was as a
stabbing pain compared to a dull ache. Leaning there over the
window-sill, with the moonlight glimmering on the lozenged glass in the
lattices, she knew that she was looking towards Fernhill and all that it
represented. Lynette, the child; the great gardens, that wide, free
spacious, colour-filled life; Canterton’s comradeship, and even more
than that. The whole future quivered on one sensitive thread. A breeze
could shake it away as a wind shakes a dewdrop from the web of a spider.
She told herself that Canterton must have realised by now the impossible
nature of the position he was asking her to assume. If he only would go
back to the yesterday of a month ago, and let that happy, workaday life
return! But then, would she herself be content with that? She had sipped
the wine of Tristan and Isoult, and the magic of it was in her blood.
Her thoughts had come to this point, when something startled her. She
had heard the latch of the gate click. There was a man’s figure standing
in the shade of a holly that grew close to the fence.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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