Alas, my dear Madam, I was but ill-prepared to die,--not that I feared
death, but I feared what must be my condition after death. I had lived
a reckless, lawless life, without fear of God or man; all the
religious feelings which had been instilled into me by my good tutor
(you know my family history, and I need say no more) during my youth,
had been gradually sapped away by the loose companionship which I had
held since the time that I quitted my father's house; and when I heard
that I was to die, my mind was in a state of great disquiet and
uncomfortable feeling. I wished to review my life, and examine myself,
but I hardly knew where to begin.
All was chaos and confusion. I could remember many bad actions, but
few good ones. I felt that I was like a vessel without a rudder, and
without a pilot; and after hours and hours of deep thought, I would
give up the task of examination in stern despair, saying to myself,
"Well, if it must be so, it must." I felt an inclination to defy that
Heaven which I felt would never be opened to me. This was the case for
more than a week after I heard of my condemnation, until I began to
reflect upon the nature of our creed, and the terms of salvation which
were offered; and, as I thought over them, I felt a dawn of hope, and
I requested the gaoler to furnish me with a Bible. I read it day and
night, for I expected every morning to be summoned to execution. I
felt almost agony at times, lest such should be the case; but time
passed on, and another fortnight elapsed, during which I had profited
by my reading, and felt some contrition for my many offences, and my
life of guilt, and I also felt that I could be saved through the
merits of Him who died for the whole world. Day after day my faith
became more lively, and my mind more at ease. One morning the gaoler
came to me, and said that there was a priest who wished to see me. As
I understood he was a Roman, I was about to refuse; but on
consideration, I thought otherwise, and he was admitted. He was a
tall, spare man, with a dark Spanish countenance.
"You are, I believe," said he, "Captain Elrington, who effected the
escape of some of our poor friends, and who are now condemned for your
kind act?"
"I am, Sir," replied I.
"I am aware," said he, "that your profession of faith is not mine, and
do not, therefore, come to talk with you on serious points, without
you should wish it yourself; my object is, being indebted as we are to
you for saving our friends, to offer to be of any use that I can to
you, in executing any wishes, or delivering any messages, which you
may wish to give, should you suffer for your generous conduct, and you
may trust any thing to me with safety, that I swear to you;" and he
took a crucifix from the folds of his garment, and kissed it, as he
said so.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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