The Professor at the Breakfast-TableHolmes, Oliver Wendell
General
The Professor at the Breakfast-Table
Holmes, Oliver Wendell
American fiction -- 19th century; Conversation -- Fiction; Poetry
The young fellow John spoke up, to the effect that this was a diabolish
snobby question, when a man was dying and not dead.--To this the
Koh-i-noor replied, by asking if the other meant to insult him. Whereto
the young man John rejoined that he had no particul'r intentions one way
or t'other.-The Kohi-noor then suggested the young man's stepping out
into the yard, that he, the speaker, might “slap his chops.”--Let 'em
alone, said young Maryland,--it 'll soon be over, and they won't hurt
each other much.--So they went out.
The Koh-i-noor entertained the very common idea, that, when one quarrels
with another, the simple thing to do is to knock the man down, and there
is the end of it. Now those who have watched such encounters are aware
of two things: first, that it is not so easy to knock a man down as it
is to talk about it; secondly, that, if you do happen to knock a man
down, there is a very good chance that he will be angry, and get up and
give you a thrashing.
So the Koh-i-noor thought he would begin, as soon as they got into the
yard, by knocking his man down, and with this intention swung his arm
round after the fashion of rustics and those unskilled in the noble art,
expecting the young fellow John to drop when his fist, having completed
a quarter of a circle, should come in contact with the side of that
young man's head. Unfortunately for this theory, it happens that a blow
struck out straight is as much shorter, and therefore as much quicker
than the rustic's swinging blow, as the radius is shorter than the
quarter of a circle. The mathematical and mechanical corollary was, that
the Koh-i-noor felt something hard bring up suddenly against his right
eye, which something he could have sworn was a paving-stone, judging by
his sensations; and as this threw his person somewhat backwards, and the
young man John jerked his own head back a little, the swinging blow had
nothing to stop it; and as the Jewel staggered between the hit he got
and the blow he missed, he tripped and “went to grass,” so far as the
back-yard of our boardinghouse was provided with that vegetable. It was
a signal illustration of that fatal mistake, so frequent in young and
ardent natures with inconspicuous calves and negative pectorals, that
they can settle most little quarrels on the spot by “knocking the man
down.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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