"Come," Helen observed, after waiting for a little, "you have something
on your mind. What is it? It will do you good to tell it, even if I'm
not clever enough to help you."
"I am sure that you could help me," he began eagerly; and then in a
changed voice he added, "if anybody could."
She left her place behind the tea-table and came nearer to him, sitting
directly before the fire. The light fell on her convincing face and on
her wavy hair. She folded her hands in her lap, and looked at him.
"Well?" she said.
"I do not know how to say it," Philip responded slowly. "I am afraid
that you have not much sympathy with my views of life."
"I probably have more than you realize. It's true that I do not believe
as you do, but we are both Puritans at heart, so that in the end our
theories come to much the same thing."
He looked up with evident inability to follow her meaning.
"I don't understand," he said.
"Very likely I couldn't make myself clear if I tried to explain.
Suppose we give up abstractions and come to the concrete. What is the
especial thing in which you think that my theories are different from
yours?"
"I do not think," he answered, hesitating more than ever, "that you
have much sympathy with asceticism."
"None whatever," she declared uncompromisingly. "Nobody could have more
honor for a sacrifice to principle than I have; but I believe that a
sacrifice to an idea is apt to be the outcome of nothing but vanity or
policy."
"But what is the difference?"
"Why, an idea is a thing that we believe with the head; don't you know
the way in which we think things out while we secretly feel altogether
different?"
"I do not think I follow you; but surely self-denial is a sacrifice to
principle."
"Not necessarily. I'm afraid I may seem to you profane, Philip, but I
must say that it seems to me that asceticism is one of the worst
plague-spots which ever afflicted humanity. The root of it is the pagan
idea of propitiating a cruel deity by self-torture."
"How can you say so!" he cried. "It is the pure devotion of a man to
the good of his higher nature and to the good of the race."
"As far as the race goes, vicarious suffering can't be anything, so far
as I see, except an effort to placate an unforgiving deity. As for the
devotion of a man to his higher nature, you will never convince me that
to go against nature and to indulge in morbidness is improving to
anything. But here we are, swamped in a bog of great moral propositions
again. We can't agree about these things, and the thing which we really
want to say will be lost sight of entirely."
He turned his face away from her again, either troubled by what she had
been saying or unable to find words and confidence to go on with the
confession of his trouble.
"Is it," Helen inquired, "that you have found that you have yourself a
doubt of the value of asceticism?"
"No, not that," he answered, dropping his voice; "but--but I begin to
doubt myself."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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