“Read! What! I would as soon think of wearing trousers. No, no, my friend, never read. Leave politics alone. When people molest you, shoot 'em--those are my rules. Edinburgh was my home. Had enough reading when I was a boy; heard enough psalm-singing, saw enough scrubbing and scouring to last me my lifetime. My father was a bookseller in the High Street, near the Cowgate--you know! Mother, she was pious—they were all pious. Uncle, a minister, lived with us. That was all worse than purgatory to me. I was educated at the High School--intended for the ministry, ha, ha! My only pleasure was to get a book of travels in some savage country, skulk into my room, throw off my boots, light a pipe, and lie on the floor reading--locked up from everyone. Sundays just the same, They called me a sinner, said I was going to the devil--fast. It was my nature. They didn't understand--kept on ding-donging in my ears. Always scrubbing, scouring--you might have eaten your dinner off the floor; always singing psalms--praying--scolding. Couldn't bear it; ran away at fifteen, and have never heard a word from home since. What happened? I came here, worked, saved, bought land, cattle; married a wife, lived as I liked to live--am happy. There's my wife--mother of six children--you have seen her yourself, a woman for a man to be proud of. No ding-donging, black looks, scouring from Monday to Saturday--you couldn't eat your dinner off my kitchen floor. There are my children, six of 'em, all told, boys and girls, healthy, dirty as they like to be, happy as the day's long; and here am I, John Carrickfergus--Don Juan all the country over, my surname no native can pronounce--respected, feared, loved; a man his neighbour can rely on to do him a good turn; one who never hesitates about putting a bullet in any vulture, wild cat, or assassin that crosses his path. Now you know all.” “An extraordinary history,” I said, “but I suppose you teach your children something?” “Teach 'em nothing,” he returned, with emphasis. “All we think about in the old country are books, cleanliness, clothes; what's good for soul, brain, stomach; and we make 'em miserable. Liberty for everyone--that's my rule. Dirty children are healthy, happy children. If a bee stings you in England, you clap on fresh dirt to cure the pain. Here we cure all kinds of pain with dirt. If my child is ill I dig up a spadeful of fresh mould and rub it well--best remedy out. I'm not religious, but I remember _one_ miracle. The Saviour spat on the ground and made mud with the spittle to anoint the eyes of the blind man. Made him see directly. What does that mean? Common remedyof the country, of course. _He_ didn't need the clay, but followed the custom, same as in the other miracles. In Scotland dirt's wickedness--how'd they reconcile that with Scripture? I don't say _Nature_, mind, I say, _Scripture_, because the Bible's the book they swear by, though they didn't write it.”