The Relentless CityBenson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
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The Relentless City
Benson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
British -- United States -- Fiction; New York (N.Y.) -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Upper class -- Fiction
Charlie did not smoke another cigarette after she had gone, for the
simplest of all reasons, but he broke another rule of health by sitting
up much later than he should. He listened, in the way a man does,
for the sound of the closing of her door, hoping, for some hopeless,
groundless reason, that she would come back. Then, because the room was
hot, and to him, in his open-air sojournings, airless with the closed
windows, he opened one and sat by it, looking out into the still,
starry night. And even as the coolness and breeze of air refreshed his
body, so the thought of the talk he had had with her refreshed and was
wine to his soul. At present he hoped for nothing; it was not necessary
for him to tell himself not to be sanguine, for she had done nothing
for him that she would not have done for a hundred other friends. She
had, in fact, told him no more than others when she had said that his
life did not belong entirely to himself; and she had told him no more
than a penny newspaper might have told him when she had said she was
not going to marry Bilton. Yet the imminent knife had gone; whether her
mere presence again was tonic to him, or whether it was that there was
again for him a loophole for hope--something possibly his to win--he
did not stop to inquire. The upshot was that life (his life, that is
to say, which is all that the most altruistic philosophers really
mean when they talk of life) was again interesting, worthy of smiles
or tears, as the case might be. Whether it was to be smiles or tears
he did not at this moment care; the fact that it merited emotion was
enough. 'The chequer-board of nights and days' was still in movement;
he was not yet a taken piece. For the last three months he had thought
of himself as exactly that, and simultaneously with that conviction had
come the conviction that the chequer-board and the game played thereon
was utterly without interest. His part in it was over; he no longer
cared. And, as has been said, even the most altruistic and the most
philosophical cannot do much better. 'Quelle perte irréparable!' was
Comte's exclamation when he was told that he had to die.
'How premature!' Was not that, too, an indication, however veiled, that
it was not premature? She would not have said that his holocaust of the
cigarettes was premature if it was so; she would merely have thought
to herself, 'Poor fellow!' But the hopelessness of the thought was
neutralized by its announcement. Not the most matter-of-fact physicians
broke news of fatal illness like that.... And again he reminded himself
that he must not be sanguine. Anyhow, she had reminded him (like
everybody else, no doubt) that his life was not entirely his own. She
had told him also (there was nothing secret about it) that she was not
going to marry Harold Bilton. But it was she who had told him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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