'He has five thousand five hundred a year.' 'Ah, your honour, it's very hard to make me believe that.' 'Why don't you believe it?' 'Because when he's down here he passes my gate five days in the week, and I never saw the sign of liquor on him.' Evidently the bigger salary the bigger profit to the whisky distiller was the rustic's theory. I have forgotten how the story came to my ears, but I told it to Lord Morris, who much appreciated it. Another Kerry story, not unlike one narrated earlier in this chapter, runs thiswise:-- Two men came to order a coffin for a mutual friend called Tim O'Shaughnessy. Said the undertaker:-- 'I am sorry to hear poor Tim is gone. He had a famous way with him of drinking whisky. What did he die of?' Replied one of the men:-- 'He is not dead yet at all; but the doctor says he will be before the morning; and sure he should know, for he knows what he gave him.' Sometimes, however, the patient is quite as clever as the doctor. A physician in Dublin had a telephone put in his bedroom, and when he was rung up about half-past one on a freezing wintry night, he told his wife to answer it. She complied, and informed him:-- 'It is Mr. Shamus O'Brien, and he wants you to come round at once.' The physician knew this to be purely an imaginary case of illness, so not wishing to be disturbed, said to her:-- 'Tell him the doctor is out, and will not be home till morning.' Unfortunately he spoke so near the telephone that his remark was audible to the patient. So when the wife had duly delivered the message, the answer came back:-- 'If the man in your bed is a doctor, send him here.' CHAPTER XIV IRISH CHARACTERISTICS It's the proudest boast of my life that I am an Irishman, and the compliment which I have most appreciated in my time was being called 'the poor man's friend,' for I love Paddy dearly though I see his faults. Yes, perhaps one of the reasons why I love him is because I do see the faults, for the errors of an Irishman are often almost as good as the virtues of an Englishman, and are far more diverting into the bargain. You must not judge Paddy by the same standard as you apply to John. To begin with, he has not had the advantages, and secondly, there's an ingrained whimsicality, for which I would not exchange all the solid imperfections of his neighbour across the Irish Channel. You would not judge all Scotland by Glasgow, and so you should not fall into the error of judging all Ireland by Belfast. Kerry is the jewel of Ireland, and it is with Kerry that I have fortunately had most to do in my life.