One night a landlord in Kerry, who shall be nameless, though he has passed over to the great majority, went to bed without having much knowledge how he got there. Two of his sons crept to the neighbouring town, unscrewed the sign outside the inn, and put it at the end of their parent's bed. When he awoke, he looked at the sign for some time in a bewildered way. Then he observed aloud:-- 'I thought I went to sleep in my own bed, but I'm d----d if I have not woke in the middle of the street.' A certain roystering gentleman named Jack Ray got drunk and fell asleep in the woods of Kilcoleman. Some of the Godfrey boys, seeing him prostrate and with foam on his lips, ran to summon their father, saying to him:-- 'There's a man dead in the wood.' Sir William hastened to the spot, and having put on his glasses to get a view of the corpse, observed:-- 'Come away, my boys, this man dies once a week.' Another Kerry landlord, who was also a baronet, dealt with the National Bank, the local manager of which was an arrant snob, who loved a title, and bored everybody with his pretended intimacy with the impecunious baronet. But at last even his patience was exhausted, and he sent the squire a pretty stiff letter about the arrears due. The other received the letter at breakfast, and showed it to his son just come down from a University, who whistled and ejaculated:-- 'O tempora! O mores!' His father instantly retorted:-- 'You get me the temporary, and I'll promptly see we have more ease.' In the bad times, an old woman came into the office at Tralee to pay her rent. Mr. Francis Denny was in a real bad humour with somebody else who had defaulted, and he was raging along in a manner qualified to display his intimate acquaintance with the florid embellishments of the language. The old woman listened with evident admiration for some time. At last she ejaculated:-- 'Ah, the nate little man.' And with that slipped out, without settling her account. Mr. Francis Denny has the misfortune to be rather lame, and one day another old woman, who liked him, observed:-- 'If he had two sound legs under him, there'd be no holding him in Tralee, but he'd be up at the Castle setting the Lord Lieutenant right in his many errors, not to mention going over to London to give the Queen herself a bit of his mind.' In the bad times, one lady was left in her Kerry residence with her baby boy and a pack of maidservants, her husband having been called over to England. She had sixty pounds of gold in her bedroom, and one night a housemaid rushed in to say a party of moonlighters were in the house. The lady threw a sovereign and some silver on to the dressing-table, and hid the rest under her mattress. In came the masked scoundrels asking for gold, and when she pointed to the money that was visible, one replied that it was not enough. 'Very well,' she said, 'give me your name and I'll write you a cheque.' On that they left precipitately, to her intense relief.