In brief, what M. Heger's face revealed when studied as the index of his
natural qualities, was intellectual superiority, an imperious temper, a
good deal of impatience against stupidity, and very little patience with
his fellow-creatures generally; it revealed too a good deal of humour;
and a very little kind-heartedness, to be weighed against any amount of
irritability. It was a sort of face bound to interest one; but not, so
it seems to me, to conquer affection. For with all these qualities of
intellect, power, humour, and a little kind-heartedness, one quality was
totally lacking: there was no love in M. Heger's face, nor in his
character, as I recall it; and, oddly enough, looking back now to him as
one of the personages in my own past to whom I owe most, and whose mind
I most admire, I have to recognise that in my sentiment towards M. Heger
to-day even, made up as it is half of admiration and half of amusement,
there is not one particle of love.
I have said--in connection with my first impression, that 'undying hate'
was the sentiment that M. Heger had conceived for me--that really 'it
was not so bad as all that.' Still, what happened at this first
interview, if it did not determine any deep-rooted antipathy to me,
planted from this moment in M. Heger's breast, did indicate, to a
certain extent, what the character of our future relationships was to
be--_out of lesson-hours._ In these hours, our relationships of
Professor and pupil were ideal. Seldom did an occasional
misunderstanding trouble them. Certainly, in my own day, no other pupil
entered with so much sympathetic admiration into the spirit of M.
Heger's teaching as I did. He saw and felt this; and here I, too, was
for him, and _as a pupil_, sympathetic. But in our personal
relationships, there were certain things in me that were antipathetic to
M. Heger, and that rubbed him so much the wrong way, that he was
constantly (so it still seems to me) unjust to what were not faults, but
idiosyncrasies, that belonged to my nationality and my character. First
of all, there was my English accent: and here this singular remark has
to be made: I never spoke such purely British French to any one as to M.
Heger; and this was the result of my constant endeavour to be very
careful to avoid the accent he disliked, when speaking to him. The
second cause of offence in me was also due to my nationality, or rather
to my upbringing. Like all English children of my generation, I had been
brought up to esteem it undignified, and even a breach of good manners,
to cry in public: and although I was tender-hearted and emotional, I was
not in the least hysterical; and except under the stress of extreme
distress, it cost me very little self-control not to weep, as my Belgian
schoolfellows did, very often, at the smallest scolding; or even without
a scolding, and simply because they were bored--'_ennuyée_.' I remember
now my surprise, at first hearing the reply to my question to a sobbing
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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