She had long ago guessed the secret of the voiceless, ambiguous love
that could flutter only as far as pain, that could never rise to
rapture. She had guessed that behind its half-tortured, momentary smile
was the impersonal Buddha-gaze; and because she so understood its
inevitable doom she had guarded herself from its avowal--guarded herself
and him. He had trusted her not to forget the doom, and not to let him
forget it, for a moment. But all the time he had known that in her eyes
he was captive to some uncanny fate, and that could she release him from
his chains her love would answer his. He had been sure of it. Hence his
present perplexity.
Perplexity began to resolve itself into a theory of commonplace
expediency, and, feeling the irony of such resentment, he resented this
tame sequel to their mute relationship.
Unconsciously, he had assumed that had he been able to ask her to be his
wife she would have been able to consent. Her courage, in a sense, would
have been the reward of his weakness, for what he would see in himself
as weakness she would see as strength. Courage on her part it certainly
would have needed, for what a dubious offering would his have been:
glamour, at its best,--a helpless, drugged glamour,--and, at its worst,
the mere brute instinct that, blessedly, this winding path of thought
led him away from.
But she had probably come to despair of releasing him from chains, had
come to see clearly that at the end of every avenue she walked with him
the Buddha statue would be waiting in a serenity appalling and
permanent; and, finding last night the child friendship dangerously
threatened, discovering that the impossible love was dangerously real
and menaced both their lives, she had swiftly drawn back, she had
retreated to the obvious safeguards of an advantageous marriage. He
couldn’t but own that she was wise and right; more wise, more
right,--there was the odd part of it, the unadjusted bit where
perplexity stung him,--than he could have expected her to be. Ambition
and the common-sense that is the very staff of life counted for much, of
course; but he hadn’t expected them to count so soon, so punctually, as
it were.
Perhaps,--and his mind, disentangled from the personal clutch where such
an interpretation might have hurt or horrified, safe once more on its
Stylites pillar, dwelt quite calmly on this final aspect,--perhaps, with
her, too, sudden glamour and instinct had counted, answering the appeal
of Grainger’s passion. He suspected the whole fabric of the love between
men and women to be woven of these blind, helpless impulses,--impulses
that created their own objects. Her mind, with its recognition of
danger, had chosen Grainger as a fitting mate, and, in his arms, she had
felt that justification by the senses that people so funnily took for
the final sanctification of choice.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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