The Shield of LoveFarjeon, B. L. (Benjamin Leopold)
General
The Shield of Love
Farjeon, B. L. (Benjamin Leopold)
English fiction -- 19th century
"Yes, Richard, I know your secret; I know that you have not been
faithful to me; I know that for years your heart has been given to
another. I cannot say that I hope you will be happy with her who
occupies my place. At this solemn moment I will not be guilty of a
subterfuge. The issue lies in God's hand, not in mine, nor in yours.
"I should not address this farewell to you if it were not that I feel
I have not long to live. It is grief that is killing me, not a mortal
disease which doctors can minister to.
"It is with distinct purpose that I put no address to this farewell. I
have left the place I went to when you bade me good-by in London, and
it is my desire that you shall not know where I am, that you shall not
come to me. Remorse may touch your soul, and you may wish to come; but
it would not be a sincere wish, springing, as it must, from a sudden
false feeling of compassion in which there is no truth or depth. How
could I believe what you said, after all the years of suffering I have
gone through? And as a wife I must preserve my self-respect. Coming to
me from a woman for whom you deserted me, I would not receive you. It
is long since I bade farewell to happiness. I now bid farewell to you."
"That was all. Many times did I pause to question myself, and to read
again, in doubt whether I had mistaken the words. That the accusation
my wife brought against me was untrue you may believe, Rathbeal. No
woman had won me from her side, and I was so far innocent. That,
ignorant of the true cause of my neglect, she may have had grounds for
suspicion, I could well believe, but she seemed to speak with
something more than suspicion. Who had maligned me? Who had played me
false? And for what purpose?
"I could think of no one. At times during my degraded career in London
I had had disagreements with the men I played with, but I could not
convict one of them with any degree of certainty.
"The postmark on the envelope was Paris, and there was but one means
of ascertaining my wife's address--through the only friend I had in
the world. To go to her, beggared as I was, would be adding shame to
shame. Besides, I could not pay my hotel bill. But still it impressed
itself upon me as an imperative duty that I should find her and make
full confession; and then to bid her farewell forever.
"I wrote to my friend, to his address in London; I made a strong
appeal to him, and informed him of the position I was in. He wrote
back after a delay of two days; he said he had something of a very
grave nature to attend to that would take him from England, and he
could not, therefore, come to me at once. When he saw me he would
inform me why he could not come earlier. I was to remain where I was
till he arrived; he would be responsible for my hotel bill; I was not
to trouble myself about that. I learned from the landlord that he had
received a letter from my friend, making himself responsible for my
debt to him.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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