"No," said Meldon; "your insults are more directly personal. A minute
ago you called me a liar, which is much worse than anything I said
about Englishmen. Besides which it isn't true, whereas what I'm saying
about the English is an absolute fact. Take yourself, for example.
What was it that upset your temper just now in the study? Was it an
overwhelming love for the abstract quality of punctuality? I should
have some respect for you if I thought it was, but I can't think that.
Nobody who knows you could. You wouldn't care a pin if everybody in
the world was late for every engagement they made for a whole year.
What you do care about is your own miserable stomach. If it isn't
filled at just exactly the usual moment you get savage, although you
are usually a fairly good-tempered man. That demonstrates the truth of
what I say. And if it's truth about you after all the years you've
lived in this country, it is, of course, much more true about this
judge. Therefore, to get back to what I was saying a minute
ago--having failed in my appeal to his intellect--I fall back upon the
one vulnerable part of him and try if I can influence him through that."
"Do tell me what you've done, J. J."
"I've told Sabina Gallagher--"
"Who is Sabina Gallagher?"
"She's Doyle's cook. She is, in the opinion of the judge, quite the
most important person in the whole of Ballymoy."
"I don't expect he really thinks that," said the Major, "after seeing
you. But what did you tell Sabina?"
"I told her that everything he got to eat was to taste of paraffin oil.
That, I think, ought to drive him out of Ballymoy in twenty-four hours."
"It'll probably drive Sabina out of her job. Doyle will sack her
to-morrow morning."
"No, he won't. _His_ food won't taste of paraffin."
"In any case she won't do it," said the Major. "No girl would be so
wicked."
"The only thing that will defeat her," said Meldon, "will be the case
of a boiled egg. I don't myself see how she's to manage a boiled egg.
I had to leave that to her own imagination. But she's a smart girl,
and she may hit upon some way of doing it. In any case, the judge can
hardly live entirely on boiled eggs. Everything else he gets will have
more or less paraffin in it, except the butter, and it's to taste of
onions. His bed will be damp, too--horribly damp--with Condy's Fluid."
"You'll probably kill the old man," said the Major.
"I don't think so. He'll leave before it comes to that. And in any
case, I warned him that he'd endanger his life if he came to Doyle's
hotel."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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