For the first mile or two of their journey Crosbie and Bernard Dale
sat, for the most part, silent in their gig. Lily, as she ran down
to the churchyard corner and stood there looking after them with
her loving eyes, had not been seen by them. But the spirit of her
devotion was still strong upon them both, and they felt that it
would not be well to strike at once into any ordinary topic of
conversation. And, moreover, we may presume that Crosbie did feel
much at thus parting from such a girl as Lily Dale, with whom he
had lived in close intercourse for the last six weeks, and whom he
loved with all his heart,--with all the heart that he had for such
purposes. In those doubts as to his marriage which had troubled him
he had never expressed to himself any disapproval of Lily. He had not
taught himself to think that she was other than he would have her be,
that he might thus give himself an excuse for parting from her. Not
as yet, at any rate, had he had recourse to that practice, so common
with men who wish to free themselves from the bonds with which they
have permitted themselves to be bound. Lily had been too sweet to
his eyes, to his touch, to all his senses for that. He had enjoyed
too keenly the pleasure of being with her, and of hearing her tell
him that she loved him, to allow of his being personally tired of
her. He had not been so spoilt by his club life but that he had
taken exquisite pleasure in all her nice country ways, and soft,
kind-hearted, womanly humour. He was by no means tired of Lily.
Better than any of his London pleasures was this pleasure of making
love in the green fields to Lily Dale. It was the consequences of
it that affrighted him. Babies with their belongings would come;
and dull evenings, over a dull fire, or else the pining grief of
a disappointed woman. He would be driven to be careful as to his
clothes, because the ordering of a new coat would entail a serious
expenditure. He could go no more among countesses and their
daughters, because it would be out of the question that his wife
should visit at their houses. All the victories that he had ever won
must be given up. He was thinking of this even while the gig was
going round the corner near the parsonage house, and while Lily's
eyes were still blessed with some view of his departing back; but he
was thinking, also, that moment, that there might be other victory
in store for him; that it might be possible for him to learn to
like that fireside, even though babies should be there, and a woman
opposite to him intent on baby cares. He was struggling as best he
knew how; for the solemnity which Lily had imparted to him had not
yet vanished from his spirit.
"I hope that, upon the whole, you feel contented with your visit?"
said Bernard to him, at last.
"Contented? Of course I do."
"That is easily said; and civility to me, perhaps, demands as much.
But I know that you have, to some extent, been disappointed."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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