What was he to do at once, now, this very day, as to his engagement?
He had felt sure that the report of it would be carried to Courcy by
Lady Julia De Guest, but he had not settled down upon any resolution
as to what he would do in consequence. It had not occurred to him
that he would immediately be charged with the offence, and called
upon to plead guilty or not guilty. He had never for a moment
meditated any plea of not guilty, but he was aware of an aversion
on his part to declare himself as engaged to Lilian Dale. It seemed
that by doing so he would cut himself off at once from all pleasure
at such houses as Courcy Castle; and, as he argued to himself, why
should he not enjoy the little remnant of his bachelor life? As to
his denying his engagement to John De Courcy,--that was nothing. Any
one would understand that he would be justified in concealing a fact
concerning himself from such a one as he. The denial repeated from
John's mouth would amount to nothing,--even among John's own sisters.
But now it was necessary that Crosbie should make up his mind as to
what he would say when questioned by the ladies of the house. If he
were to deny the fact to them the denial would be very serious. And,
indeed, was it possible that he should make such denial with Lady
Julia opposite to him?
Make such a denial! And was it the fact that he could wish to do
so,--that he should think of such falsehood, and even meditate on the
perpetration of such cowardice? He had held that young girl to his
heart on that very morning. He had sworn to her, and had also sworn
to himself, that she should have no reason for distrusting him. He
had acknowledged most solemnly to himself that, whether for good or
for ill, he was bound to her; and could it be that he was already
calculating as to the practicability of disowning her? In doing so
must he not have told himself that he was a villain? But in truth
he made no such calculation. His object was to banish the subject,
if it were possible to do so; to think of some answer by which he
might create a doubt. It did not occur to him to tell the countess
boldly that there was no truth whatever in the report, and that Miss
Dale was nothing to him. But might he not skilfully laugh off the
subject, even in the presence of Lady Julia? Men who were engaged
did so usually, and why should not he? It was generally thought that
solicitude for the lady's feelings should prevent a man from talking
openly of his own engagement. Then he remembered the easy freedom
with which his position had been discussed throughout the whole
neighbourhood of Allington, and felt for the first time that the Dale
family had been almost indelicate in their want of reticence. "I
suppose it was done to tie me the faster," he said to himself, as he
pulled out the ends of his cravat. "What a fool I was to come here,
or indeed to go anywhere, after settling myself as I have done." And
then he went down into the drawing-room.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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