She had the sensation of having fallen from a great height, after the
excitement of having fought bravely to keep her place there, and of
having anticipated every step of a combat still more severe which yet
had not come to pass after her previsions. It had been a fight lasting
for hours, from the moment Betty, all unconscious, had told her of the
house in which Charlie was. That was in the morning, and now it was late
afternoon, and the work of the day, the common work of the day in which
all the innocent common people about had been employed, was rounding
towards its end. It seemed to her a long, long time that she had been
involved, first in imagination, in severe thought, and then in actual
conflict--in this struggle, fighting for her life. From the beginning
she had made up her mind that she should fail. It was a consciously
losing game that she had fought so gallantly, never giving in; and
indeed she was not unaware, nor was she without a languid satisfaction
in the fact that she had indeed carried off the honours of the field,
that it would not be said that she had been beaten. But what did that
matter? Argument she knew and felt had nothing to do with such affairs.
She had known herself to have lost from the moment she saw Colonel
Kingsward standing there against the mantelpiece in the dining-room. It
had not been possible for her then to give in, to turn and go forth into
the street flinging down her arms. On the contrary, it was her nature to
fight to the last; and she had carried off an apparent victory. She had
marched off with colours flying from the field of battle, leaving every
enemy confounded. But she herself entertained no illusion in the matter.
It was possible no doubt that her spell might yet be strong enough upon
her middle-aged captive to make him ignore and pass over everything that
told against her--but, after considering the situation with a keen and
close survey of every likelihood, she dismissed that hope. No, her
chance was lost--again; the battle was over--again. It had been so near
being successful that the shock was greater perhaps than usual; but she
had now been feeling the shock for hours; so that her actual fall was as
much a relief as a pang, and her mind, full of resource, obstinately
sanguine, was becoming ready to pass on to the next chance, and had
already sprung up to think--What now?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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