The confession that I wished to write, is written. To what end could I
add fresh facts to it now? I hoped to ease my heart by passing in review
all the details of this dark story, but I have only revived the dread
memory of the scenes in which I have been an actor; from the first--when
I saw my father stretched dead upon his bed, and my mother weeping by
his side, to the last--when I noiselessly entered a room in which the
unhappy woman was again kneeling and weeping. Again upon the bed there
lay a corpse, and she rose as she had done before, and uttered the same
despairing cry: "My André--my son." And I had to answer her questions;
I had to invent for her a false conversation with my stepfather, to tell
her that I left him rather depressed, but with nothing in his appearance
or manner to indicate a fatal resolution. I had to take the necessary
steps to prevent this alleged suicide from getting known, to see the
commissary of police and the "doctor of the dead." I had to preside at
the funeral ceremonies, to receive the guests and act as chief mourner.
And always, always, he was present to me, with the dagger in his breast,
writing the lines that had saved me, and looking at me, while his lips
moved. Ah, begone, begone, abhorred phantom! Yes! I have done it; yes! I
have killed you; yes! it was just. You know well that it was just. Why
are you still here now? Ah! I _will_ live; I _will_ forget. If I could
only cease to think of you for one day, only one day, just to breathe,
and walk, and see the sky, without your image returning to haunt my poor
head which is racked by this hallucination, and troubled? My God! have
pity on me. I did not ask for this dreadful fate; it is Thou that hast
sent it to me. Why dost Thou punish me? Oh, my God, have pity on me!
_Miserere mei, Domine_.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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