me briefly, and then we would seat ourselves at the table (without a
table-cloth) in the dining-room, and Julie would bring us two cups of
chocolate, deliciously sweetened to my childish taste. My mother rose
much later, and, after my school days, my father occupied a separate
room in order to avoid waking her so early. How I enjoyed that morning
meal, during which I prattled at my ease, talking of my lessons, my
exercises, and my school-mates! What a delightful recollection I
retained of those happy, careless, cordial hours! In his letters my
father also spoke of our early breakfasts, but in a way that showed how
often he was wounded by finding out from my talk that my mother took too
little care of me, according to his notions--that I filled too small a
place in her dreamy, wilfully frivolous life. There were passages which
the then future had since turned into prophecies. "Were I to be taken
from him, what would become of him?" was one of these. At ten I came
back from school; by that time my father would be occupied with his
business. I had lessons to prepare, and I did not see him again until
half-past eleven, at the second breakfast. Then mamma would appear in
one of those tasteful morning costumes which suited her slender and
supple figure so well. From afar, and beyond the cold years of my
boyhood, that family table came before me like a mirage of warm
homelife; how often had it become a sort of nostalgia to me when I sat
between my mother and M. Termonde on my horrid half-holidays.
And now I found proof in my father's letters that a divorce of the heart
already existed between the two persons who, to my filial tenderness,
were but one. My father loved his wife passionately, and he felt that
his wife did not love him. This was the feeling continually expressed in
his letters--not in words so plain and positive, indeed; but how should
I, whose boyhood had been strangely analogous with this drama of a man's
life, have failed to perceive the secret signification of all he wrote?
My father was taciturn, like me--even more so than I--and he allowed
irreparable misunderstandings to grow up between my mother and himself.
Like me afterwards, he was passionate, awkward, hopelessly timid in the
presence of that proud, aristocratic woman, so different from him, the
self-made man of almost peasant origin, who had risen to professional
prosperity by the force of his genius. Like me--ah! not more than I--he
had known the torture of false positions, which cannot be explained
except by words that one will never have courage to utter. And, oh, the
pity of it, that destiny should thus repeat itself; the same tendencies
of the mind developing themselves in the son after they had developed
themselves in the father, so that the misery of both should be
identical!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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