Presently Julie came to consult me upon all the material details which
accompany death; but I told her I was too much overwhelmed, that she
must do as she thought fit, and leave me quite alone for the whole of
the morning. Then I plunged so deeply into the reading of the letters,
that I forgot the hour, the events taking place around me, forgot to
dress myself, to eat, even to go and look upon her whom I had lost while
yet I could behold her face. Traitor and ingrate that I was! I had
devoured only a few lines before I understood only too well why she had
been desirous to prevent me from drinking the poison which entered with
each sentence into my heart, as it had entered into hers. Terrible,
terrible letters! Now it was as though the phantom had spoken, and a
hidden drama of which I had never dreamed unfolded itself before me.
I was quite a child when the thousand little scenes which this
correspondence recorded in detail took place. I was too young then to
solve the enigma of the situation; and, since, the only person who could
have initiated me into that dark history was she who had concealed the
existence of the too-eloquent papers from me all her life long, and on
her death-bed had been more anxious for their destruction than for her
eternal salvation--she, who had no doubt accused herself of having
deferred the burning of them from day to day as of a crime. When at last
she had brought herself to do this, it was too late.
The first letter, written in January, 1864, began with thanks to my aunt
for her New Year's gift to me--a fortress with tin soldiers--with which
I was delighted, said the letter, because the cavalry were in two
pieces, the man detaching himself from his horse. Then, suddenly, the
commonplace sentences changed into utterances of mournful tenderness. An
anxious mind, a heart longing for affection, and discontent with the
existing state of things, might be discerned in the tone of regret with
which the brother dwelt upon his childhood, and the days when his own
and his sister's life were passed together. There was a repressed
repining in that first letter that immediately astonished and impressed
me, for I had always believed my father and mother to have been
perfectly happy with each other. Alas! that repining did but grow and
also take definite form as I read on. My father wrote to his sister
every Sunday, even when he had seen her in the course of the week. As it
frequently happens in cases of regular and constant correspondence, the
smallest events were recorded in minute detail, so that all our former
daily life was resuscitated in my thoughts as I perused the lines, but
accompanied by a commentary of melancholy which revealed irreparable
division between those whom I had believed to be so closely united.
Again I saw my father in his dressing-gown, as he greeted me in the
morning at seven o'clock, on coming out of his room to breakfast with me
before I started for school at eight. He would go over my lessons with
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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