“The free use of coffins, spit-boxes, mush-and-milk, and the invention of new oaths with which to curse the doctor!” “What diseases is it usually given in?” “In all, and some others, from want of a clean shirt to the death-rattle!” “Right, sir, right,” said the examiner, never doubting, from my aptitude of reply and perfect seriousness, but that they were to the point. “What are emetics?” “Medicines, that a man who has dined badly, and wants to conceal it, should never take!” “What are the most certain?” “The first cigar, the first quid, or a spoiled oyster!” “What is their action?” “That of money won at gambling; going back the way it came, and taking a good deal more than it brought!” “When should lobelia be given?” “At elections, where the people are writing a man down an ass, and he wants to be _brought-up_ ahead!” “What dose would you give it in?” “If the patient was likely to leave a rich widow, I'd certainly give a pound!” “When would you think an emetic had acted sufficiently?” “When I was in doubt whether it was the patient's tongue or his stomach that was hanging out of his mouth!” “What are purgatives?” “Medicines, whose action bears the same relation to that of emetics, which the possums did to the hollow where the dog was waiting to catch them--they go the other way!” “Suppose your patient had a diarrhoea, what medicine would you give?” “A quart of brandy, for it would be sure to make him _tight!_” “What are the most dangerous preparations of lead?” “Congressional speeches in Washington, and buckshot in the Southern States!” “From what does hive syrup derive its name?” “From the fact of bees living in hives, and there being honey in it!” “Right, sir! all right! You have answered admirably. I see I must vote for you. You can go, sir!”--and out I went. “Three votes! Hurrah! Two more, and I'm safe. Now for Old Sawbones. I'm sure of him, though;” for upon surgery I was prepared, and my intimacy with that professor assured me he must be aware of it, and would attribute the errors I might commit to natural trepidation under the circumstances. He was a man of too much good sense to wheedle or fool with, and notwithstanding my confidence in my good preparation, and his appreciation of it, I anticipated a terrible time with him. My heart sank as I entered his room. “Be seated, Mr. Tensas. Beautiful weather for this season. Have an apple? Here is an instrument for deligating the subclavian artery, that the maker has done me the honour to call after me. How do you like it? Think I must order a dozen. Do to give to acquaintances,” rattled on the kind-hearted professor, trying to reassure me, which he failed to do, for I regarded his pleasantry as somewhat akin to the cat sporting with its victim. “You never shave, Tensas, I believe? Apropos, how old are you?” I jumped clear out of my seat at the question. The institution required a candidate to be twenty-one, which I was not, by several months.