First loves -- Fiction; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction; Russian fiction -- Translations into English
The night was as still as the night before, but there were fewer clouds
in the sky, and the outlines of bushes, even of tall flowers, could be
more distinctly seen. The first moments of expectation were oppressive,
almost terrible. I had made up my mind to everything. I only debated
how to act; whether to thunder, “Where goest thou? Stand! show
thyself—or death!” or simply to strike…. Every sound, every whisper and
rustle, seemed to me portentous and extraordinary…. I prepared myself….
I bent forward…. But half-an-hour passed, an hour passed; my blood had
grown quieter, colder; the consciousness that I was doing all this for
nothing, that I was even a little absurd, that Malevsky had been making
fun of me, began to steal over me. I left my ambush, and walked all
about the garden. As if to taunt me, there was not the smallest sound
to be heard anywhere; everything was at rest. Even our dog was asleep,
curled up into a ball at the gate. I climbed up into the ruins of the
greenhouse, saw the open country far away before me, recalled my
meeting with Zinaïda, and fell to dreaming….
I started…. I fancied I heard the creak of a door opening, then the
faint crack of a broken twig. In two bounds I got down from the ruin,
and stood still, all aghast. Rapid, light, but cautious footsteps
sounded distinctly in the garden. They were approaching me. “Here he is
… here he is, at last!” flashed through my heart. With spasmodic haste,
I pulled the knife out of my pocket; with spasmodic haste, I opened it.
Flashes of red were whirling before my eyes; my hair stood up on my
head in my fear and fury…. The steps were coming straight towards me; I
bent—I craned forward to meet him…. A man came into view…. My God! it
was my father! I recognised him at once, though he was all muffled up
in a dark cloak, and his hat was pulled down over his face. On tip-toe
he walked by. He did not notice me, though nothing concealed me; but I
was so huddled up and shrunk together that I fancy I was almost on the
level of the ground. The jealous Othello, ready for murder, was
suddenly transformed into a school-boy…. I was so taken aback by my
father’s unexpected appearance that for the first moment I did not
notice where he had come from or in what direction he disappeared. I
only drew myself up, and thought, “Why is it my father is walking about
in the garden at night?” when everything was still again. In my horror
I had dropped my knife in the grass, but I did not even attempt to look
for it; I was very much ashamed of myself. I was completely sobered at
once. On my way to the house, however, I went up to my seat under the
elder-tree, and looked up at Zinaïda’s window. The small
slightly-convex panes of the window shone dimly blue in the faint light
thrown on them by the night sky. All at once—their colour began to
change…. Behind them—I saw this, saw it distinctly—softly and
cautiously a white blind was let down, let down right to the
window-frame, and so stayed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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