First loves -- Fiction; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction; Russian fiction -- Translations into English
Oh, what a deep sigh of delight Sanin heaved, when he found himself in
his room! Indeed, Maria Nikolaevna had spoken the truth, he needed
rest, rest from all these new acquaintances, collisions, conversations,
from this suffocating atmosphere which was affecting his head and his
heart, from this enigmatical, uninvited intimacy with a woman, so alien
to him! And when was all this taking place? Almost the day after he had
learnt that Gemma loved him, after he had become betrothed to her. Why,
it was sacrilege! A thousand times he mentally asked forgiveness of his
pure chaste dove, though he could not really blame himself for
anything; a thousand times over he kissed the cross she had given him.
Had he not the hope of bringing the business, for which he had come to
Wiesbaden, to a speedy and successful conclusion, he would have rushed
off headlong, back again, to sweet Frankfort, to that dear house, now
his own home, to her, to throw himself at her loved feet…. But there
was no help for it! The cup must be drunk to the dregs, he must dress,
go to dinner, and from there to the theatre…. If only she would let him
go to-morrow!
One other thing confounded him, angered him; with love, with
tenderness, with grateful transport he dreamed of Gemma, of their life
together, of the happiness awaiting him in the future, and yet this
strange woman, this Madame Polozov persistently floated—no! not
floated, poked herself, so Sanin with special vindictiveness expressed
it—_poked herself_ in and faced his eyes, and he could not rid himself
of her image, could not help hearing her voice, recalling her words,
could not help being aware even of the special scent, delicate, fresh
and penetrating, like the scent of yellow lilies, that was wafted from
her garments. This lady was obviously fooling him, and trying in every
way to get over him … what for? what did she want? Could it be merely
the caprice of a spoiled, rich, and most likely unprincipled woman? And
that husband! What a creature he was! What were his relations with her?
And why would these questions keep coming into his head, when he,
Sanin, had really no interest whatever in either Polozov or his wife?
Why could he not drive away that intrusive image, even when he turned
with his whole soul to another image, clear and bright as God’s
sunshine? How, through those almost divine features, dare _those
others_ force themselves upon him? And not only that; those other
features smiled insolently at him. Those grey, rapacious eyes, those
dimples, those snake-like tresses, how was it all that seemed to cleave
to him, and to shake it all off, and fling it away, he was unable, had
not the power?
Nonsense! nonsense! to-morrow it would all vanish and leave no trace….
But would she let him go to-morrow?
Yes…. All these question he put to himself, but the time was moving on
to three o’clock, and he put on a black frockcoat and after a turn in
the park, went in to the Polozovs!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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