That evening--the evening of his return from Beauclere--he was conscious
of a keen desire to get away, to go abroad, to leave behind him the
little chatter his resignation would be sure to produce in an age of
publicity which never discriminated as to the quality of events. Then he
felt it decidedly better to stay, to see the business through on the
spot. Besides, he would have to meet his constituents--would a parcel of
cheese-eating burgesses ever have been "met" on so queer an
occasion?--and when that was over the incident would practically be
closed. Nick had an idea he knew in advance how it would affect him to
be pointed at as a person who had given up a considerable chance of
eventual "office" to take likenesses at so much a head. He wouldn't
attempt down at Harsh to touch on the question of motive; for, given the
nature of the public mind of Harsh, that would be a strain on his
faculty of exposition. But as regards the chaff of the political world
and of society he had a hope he should find chaff enough for retorts. It
was true that when his mother twitted him in her own effective way he
had felt rather flattened out; but then one's mother might have a
heavier hand than any one else. He had not thrown up the House of
Commons to amuse himself; he had thrown it up to work, to sit quietly
down and bend over his task. If he should go abroad his parent might
think he had some weak-minded view of joining Julia and trying, with
however little hope, to win her back--an illusion it would be singularly
pernicious to encourage. His desire for Julia's society had succumbed
for the present at any rate to a dire interruption--he had become more
and more aware of their speaking a different language. Nick felt like a
young man who has gone to the Rhineland to "get up" his German for an
examination--committed to talk, to read, to dream only in the new idiom.
Now that he had taken his jump everything was simplified, at the same
time that everything was pitched in a higher and intenser key; and he
wondered how in the absence of a common dialect he had conversed on the
whole so happily with Mrs. Dallow. Then he had aftertastes of
understandings tolerably independent of words. He was excited because
every fresh responsibility is exciting, and there was no manner of doubt
he had accepted one. No one knew what it was but himself--Gabriel Nash
scarcely counted, his whole attitude on the question of responsibility
being so fantastic--and he would have to ask his dearest friends to take
him on trust. Rather indeed he would ask nothing of any one, but would
cultivate independence, mulishness, and gaiety, and fix his thoughts on
a bright if distant morrow. It was disagreeable to have to remember that
his task would not be sweetened by a sense of heroism; for if it might
be heroic to give up the muses for the strife of great affairs, no
romantic glamour worth speaking of would ever gather round an Englishman
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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