England -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction; Love stories; Man-woman relationships -- Fiction
shown himself, at Dermody's signal, a water-rat now passed, like a
little black shadow on the bright ground, and was lost in the waters
of the lake. Look where I might, the happy by-gone time looked back
in mockery, and the voices of the past came to me with their burden of
reproach: See what your life was once! Is your life worth living now?
I picked up a stone and threw it into the lake. I watched the circling
ripples round the place at which it had sunk. I wondered if a practiced
swimmer like myself had ever tried to commit suicide by drowning, and
had been so resolute to die that he had resisted the temptation to let
his own skill keep him from sinking. Something in the lake itself, or
something in connection with the thought that it had put into my mind,
revolted me. I turned my back suddenly on the lonely view, and took the
path through the wood which led to the bailiff's cottage.
Opening the door with my key, I groped my way into the well-remembered
parlor; and, unbarring the window-shutters, I let in the light of the
moon.
With a heavy heart I looked round me. The old furniture--renewed,
perhaps, in one or two places--asserted its mute claim to my recognition
in every part of the room. The tender moonlight streamed slanting
into the corner in which Mary and I used to nestle together while Dame
Dermody was at the window reading her mystic books. Overshadowed by the
obscurity in the opposite corner, I discovered the high-backed arm-chair
of carved wood in which the Sibyl of the cottage sat on the memorable
day when she warned us of our coming separation, and gave us her
blessing for the last time. Looking next round the walls of the room,
I recognized old friends wherever my eyes happened to rest--the gaudily
colored prints; the framed pictures in fine needle-work, which we
thought wonderful efforts of art; the old circular mirror to which
I used to lift Mary when she wanted "to see her face in the glass."
Whenever the moonlight penetrated there, it showed me some familiar
object that recalled my happiest days. Again the by-gone time looked
back in mockery. Again the voices of the past came to me with their
burden of reproach: See what your life was once! Is your life worth
living now?
I sat down at the window, where I could just discover, here and there
between the trees, the glimmer of the waters of the lake. I thought
to myself: "Thus far my mortal journey has brought me. Why not end it
here?"
Who would grieve for me if my death were reported to-morrow? Of all
living men, I had perhaps the smallest number of friends, the fewest
duties to perform toward others, the least reason to hesitate at leaving
a world which had no place in it for my ambition, no creature in it for
my love.
Besides, what necessity was there for letting it be known that my death
was a death of my own seeking? It could easily be left to represent
itself as a death by accident.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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